Kingdom Hearts, Only Not
by Pinkkrice
Summary: A somewhat lulzy parody that I'll never ever get around to finishing ever, sorry.
1. The Begining, Unless You Die

Once upon a time, in a land of magic and joy, there stood an amusement park.

Actually, scratch that.

The land of magic and joy WAS the amusement park. The rest was California. This park was made by and themed with the cartoons of one Mr. Walter Disney. Walter, or Walt, if you will, had a great vision. A vision of funny talking mice and his silly friends. So Walt set out to fulfill these dreams, and began a wonderful cartoon company. But soon, he expanded this company to a theme park, and what a park it was! Then, multi million dollar movies started flying out from every direction with such classics as _Beauty and the Beast_, _Cinderella_, and the not so classic but equally popular, _Pirates of the Caribbean. _

Then, things started getting even better, but more campy and generally annoying. With a new channel, shows such as _That's So Raven_, and DCOMs such as _High School Musical_, billions of dollars worth of merchandise, and valuable life lessons on a daily basis (I didn't know there were that many.) Disney managed to worm there way into the hearts of everyone, old and young, around the world.

And if you didn't know that, you live in a very small, very dark, very isolated cave with no contact to the outside world, and shouldn't (not to mention logically _couldn't_) be reading this.

But, seeing as how you are reading this (unless you aren't, in which case it doesn't really matter what I say so, I'll just assume all my readers are…well, reading), you've probably reached a point in you're reading in which you're wondering: "What is the point of all the pointless yapping you're doing?" See, as I am a rather big fan of Kingdom Hearts, I found there were many coherency issues riddled throughout the brilliant plot line and exciting game play. As such, I took to my room and put pencil to paper (actually, finger to keyboard, but…) and began writing this epic adventure of a parody.

So, If you are indeed reading this, and you are a fan of Kingdom Hearts, please join me as I attempt to the impossible: Actually complete a well written full parody of the entire Kingdom Hearts Series!

…And If you're not a Kingdom Hearts fan, you can stay, but you will have _no_ clue what's going on.

Kingdom Hearts, Only Not

**Chapter One: The Beginning…Unless you die**

_Thinking of you, wherever you are_

_We pray for copyright laws to end _

_And hope that our stories be reviewed by a friend_

_now I step forward to realize this wish_

_And who knows: _

_Making a parody of this game may not be so hard_

_Or maybe it's already been done_

_There are many Fan Fictions_

_But they share the same FanFiction(dot)net-_

_One FanFiction(dot)net, one Destiny_

…

_That made no sense_

A boy falls. He falls down into the water with bubbles floating over him, faintly wondering why he's not drowning.

"I've been having…these weird thoughts lately…" He said, oblivious to the innuendo of that statement. "Like, is any of this for real…or not?"

Suddenly (after falling for a few more minutes) he was flashed onto a beach, where the sun was bright and the sea was bright blue. The boy looked out to the ocean to see his friend. He smiled and began to walk towards said friend (who for some reason was just kind of standing there.) but suddenly a huge wave began forming behind the boy. Se calmly turned around and put his hand out to his friend on land.

"Look out! There's a giant wave coming up right behind you!" He shouted, running out to the water, because getting both of them drowned was _really_ going to help.

They were then both sucked in by the wave. Under the water the second boy put his hand out to the first again. He tried to reach for it (that's right, go _deeper _into the water! That should help!) but a strong currant that conveniently had no effect on his silver haired pal, pushed him up to the surface.

Above the water, it was suddenly sunset. He slowly floated up to the surface, but after reaching it, realized it was only waist deep.

Back on the land, Kairi was standing on the shore, staring blankly towards the ocean. Selphie had come by an hour and told her to go home before she caught death, but Kairi insisted that Sora and Riku had drowned and she had to wait for them to come back to life and resurface. Selphie then, being the good friend she was, went home to call the local insane asylum. But Kairi kept her hopes up and waited patently for her friends to come back. So you can imagine her joy when she saw Sora's spiky head pop out over the blue ocean. She shouted and called for him to come to her. Sora, who had by then forgotten all about his _other_ friend, ran to her.

They had a short conversation about nothing in particular. Sora chuckled at there conversation and Kairi giggled. The two laughed and had themselves a fun little time.

But there fun little time was not to last.

Kairi stopped suddenly and looked towards the sky with a confused expression. Sora followed her gaze and saw something fall from the sky. Then suddenly, he fell into the ocean, which was really the sky! He looked up to Kairi who reached to help him, but was much to late. She cried for her loss.

However Sora was not very happy about this ether. But he continued to fall into the ocean/sky, until he was in the real ocean once again. He continued to fall until he reached the bottom, where it seemed not to be the ocean anymore. He took a step forward, and millions of Doves/Pigeons flew up into the ocean/sky. The boy gazed up in wonder.

"Whoa."

Suddenly a small white glob fell in front of him.

"Ewww…"

All the amazing graphics ended and everything got all low budget.

_Walk forward…_

"Hey! Who are you?!"

_Do not be afraid. Walk forward and face your destiny. Can you do it?_

"…Can I _walk_? Um, yeah."

_Good. Move the joy stick forward slightly to walk, and harder to run._

Sora looked at his hands then back at the sky "What the what to WHAT?!"

_The joy stick._

The boy looked up with a horrified expression.

…_Just walk._

Sora did as he was told and walked forward. He stopped at the center of the platform.

_Good. And remember, jump by hitting the 'O' button._

"I know how to jump, thank you very much." He scoffed.

Suddenly three pedestals rose up. One held a sword, one held a staff, and one held a shield.

_Choose wisely._

Being the Fourteen-Year-Old boy he was, naturally, he choose the sword.

_The power of the warrior, is this the power you seek?_

"I'm a teenage boy, what do _you _think I want?"

_Very well. Choose what you wish to give up._

He walked over to the shield and picked it up, having some trouble jumping up.

_Power of the guardian, is this the power you choose to give up?_

"What am I supposed to do with a shield? How could I possibly fight with a shield?"

_Well if you do give it up you will have horrible defense stats. Lets see you say 'shields are useless' when some crazy lady turns into a large dragon and you're best friend gets 'Neo from the Matrix' level fighting skills and tries to kill you._

"What are you talking about?"

_Do you want the shield or not?_

"Not really."

_Your funeral._

The shield disappeared from out of his hands and proofed off to some unknown dimension. Then the platform shattered and Sora, along with the thousands of pieces of sharp, pointy glass. Magically, these pieces of glass did not cut Sora up into hundreds of tiny bite sized pieces causing his bloody and untimely demise. This is because, without Sora, the game lacks a plot, as well as a playable character. Then it's a movie. A boring one.

_Great! You've gained the-_

"OH MY GOD! AM I ALIVE?!"

…_You've gained the power to fight! Give it a try!_

"ARE YOU CRAZY!? I COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED!" He said close to tears.

_Close enough. Now there will be times when you'll need to fight…_

Then six little buggy things came up from the ground. Sora smited them with his new sword of doom and little munny and health balls popped out…LIKE A PIÑATA!

_Look out!_

Then another creature popped up behind him. This one too, was smited.Sora was then sucked into a gooey darkness thing and later woke up on his back squirming like a dog having bad dream. Finally awakening from his nightmare, only to find it's one of those things where you think you're awake but you're still dreaming and on another platform with no princess in particular on it (yawn). The next bit is tedious so I'll speed it up for you. The strange voice informed him that opening the door was close and far, confusing him with an oxymoron. Sora was angered by this and tried to leave only to find the door was a hologram. After taking out his rage on various bits of furniture he decided he would play with the door only to find it was real and proceeded to open it.

_Wait. First tell me more about your self._

He then jumped onto a tree-house where Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie were hanging out staring into nothing blankly. Sora then walked on over to Tidus.

"Tidus! Boy, am I glad to see you!"

"Hey Sora! What are you so afraid of?"

"Clowns."

Tidus raised an eye brow. "Um, really?"

"Yes."

"But you look like a…never mind. Wakka wants to talk to you."

"Um, okay…" He walked over to Wakka.

"Hey, Sora man! What do you want outta life?"

"To get married and have five children."

He laughed. "I'm not sure Kairi's going to be very happy about that! She'll loose her figure and, lets face it, that's all she's got going for her."

Sora frowned. "That's not nice."

"Well, Sora, I'm just a figment of you're imagination, so in reality, you're the one who said that."

Sora paused for a minute, thinking this over. "…No I'm not!"

"Hey Sora!" Called Selphie from the other side of the little tree house. Sora walked over.

"Hi Selphie."

"What's most important to you?"

"Friendship."

"Aww how sweet."

_I see…_

_You are afraid of Clowns_

_You want to have five children_

_Friendship is most important to you._

_Your journey begins at 8:34 AM_

_As long as the sun is shining, and you have a balanced breakfast_

_Everything should be fine_

_Unless you die._

"WHAT?!"

_Just kidding_

Then, Sora appeared back on another magical platform, where he saved his game progress and went up an amazing flight of stairs made of stain glass over an endless dark abyss. When he arrived on the last platform, he began slowly walking towards the light (for dramatic effect, of course.).

_The closer you get to the light, the larger you're shadow becomes._

_But don't be afraid_

Then Sora's now very large shadow became the heartless monster known as 'Dark Side.' Once again Sora fought valiantly, and defeated the monster. Then a large shadow began sucking him up, as his muffled cries echoed throughout the dark abyss.

**B_u_**_T_ d**_O_**_n_'T b**E** Af_R__a_I**d**

F_o_R **yOu **_**H**__a__V__e T__hE _mIgHtI**eS**t WeApOn **O**_f_ _**ALL**_

_You will be the one who opens the door_

…_Unless you die_

**This would be the page break**

Sora opened his very blue eyes only to see that he was on a beach. He sat up and gazed on to the horizon, but then yawned and laid back to go back to sleep on his snuggly sand-bed. Kairi, however, put her big head over him. Sora was alarmed by Kairi's big head, and jumped up.

"Sora, you lazy bum!"

"Gimmie a break Kairi…"

"Sora, don't you have a house with, I don't know, a bed?"

"Yeah, why?" He asked shaking his head to the left in an attempt to get the sand out of his ear.

She sighed. "Never mind…you're supposed to be working on the raft you know…"

"I'm sorry, but, I was in this strange place, and Wakka called you fat, and I was fighting an then, some big thing started swallowing me up! And…and…"

"Are you still dreaming?"

"No…It wasn't a dream…or was it…?" He sighed. "So, Kairi, what was you're home like, you know, where you grew up?"

She gave him a weird look. "Do you ever pay attention when I talk to you? I told you I don't remember."

"Well I just thought you may have remembered something…"

"Nope, nothing."

"You ever wish you could go back?"

"Sometimes, but, I like it here too. But it would be nice to see other worlds…"

"Yeah it would…"

"So then? What are we waiting for!?"

"Hey! Aren't you forgetting something?!" Shouted another boy with longish silver hair.

Sora thought for a minute. "Nope, can't think of anything."

"Ha ha, very funny. So I guess I'm the only one working on the raft!" He said tossing a log at Sora's head, nearly killing him. "And Kairi, you're just as lazy as he is!"

She giggled "So you noticed! Alright, we'll finish the raft together! I'll race you."

"HA! You?! Your legs are much to scrawny and your large head isn't aro-dynamic."

She glared at him. "Ware a normal pair of pants and get you're hair cut, then say that again." she spat , but then immediately cheered up. "Ready? GO!"

The three friends raced each other, with Kairi tagging along the back, giggling all the way. Little did the three know of the destiny they had in store. Little did they know…they were the main characters!

Kingdom Hearts, Only Not

_This Chapter was last edited on 1/29_

((A/N: Welcome to my new parody! This will be my second attempt at a Kingdom Hearts Parody. Now there are a few things you must keep in mind. This parody will be just as silly as the last. It will contain ludicrous and sometimes random material, but will also contain better, more observant, and more clever jokes. Secondly, at times some of the characters will act strange. They will act a bit out of character, but only to make a point. Other than that, they will remain relatively in character to the best I can manage them to be. Also I will have much better spelling from here on out…Or at least I'll try by very best. I would greatly appreciate a beta reader.

Now, to clear things up, this story will be exactly like the last, only way different. It will also be just like, no, IS Kingdom Hearts, only not. That help?

Also, originally, this first chapter was 17 pages long, so I cut it in half. Just though I'd mention that.

Now read. And if you like it, review. If you smile, favorite. and if this makes you laugh, alert. If you don't, I'll kill you, so no pressure.))


	2. WILSON!

About ten or fifteen minutes after the previous moment with our heroes, they had ventured off a few feet away. Riku, after completing all his work, decided to sit on a tree and do nothing. Was it boring? Yes. But did he look cool doing it. Also yes...well actually not really

Anyway, a few _more_ feet away was where one would find Sora and Kairi, who were working together to finish the raft, as a team!

"Alright Sora, here's the plan. You're going to go run around and get supplies and food from continently placed areas on the island for the raft. I on the other hand am going to sit here while I boss you around and make a necklace out of shells. You got all that?"

"Yep!"

What a team! Yes indeedy

Kingdom Hearts…Only Not

**Chapter Two: WILSON!**

Sora walked down the beach, and picked up the log from before. He always enjoyed walks on the beach. The birds, the sound of the ocean, the Blitz balls that constantly hit him in the head…

Wait…

"OH! Sorry mon! I guess ma aim's a little off." Said Wakka walking over to help his fallen friend. Sora blinked.

"Um, it's okay…"

"Hey you wanna go a few rounds?!"

Sora smiled "You bet!"

They prepared to fight, and to start the battle, Wakka chucked the blitz ball at Sora's head. Unfortunately he missed, and the ball went way over Sora's head and into the ocean, where the angry sea swallowed it up.

"My ball!" He shouted going closer to the shore, but the ball was nowhere to be seen. Distraught, he fell to his knees and reached out to the ocean. "WILSON! DON'T GO WILSON! DON'T LEAVE ME!" And with that, he jumped into the ocean, and swam after his ball. "What are you doing, Sora?!" He shouted from the ocean. "Help me!"

_**One hour later…**_

"Sora, what took you so long?"

The fourteen-Year-Old boy stood before his friend, soaking wet, with a scowl on his face. "Wakka made me look for Wilson."

Kairi looked worried. "Wilson was lost? Well did you find him?"

"…Yeah." Sora said slowly, extremely freaked out that Kairi was also doing the 'Wilson' thing. She looked very relieved. "Good…anyway, did you get everything I asked for?"

"Sure did!" Said Sora forgetting all about his worries and dropping the supplies at Kairi's feet.

"…Sora, what is all this stuff? Some cloth and a short rope? Only TWO logs? What about the toilet paper, tooth brushes, first aid kit, and radio we can use to call for help I asked you to get?"

"Riku said we wouldn't need any of that stuff."

"Oh...well if Riku says so then okay!" She said, completely forgetting about it and looking at her watch. Said watch was hidden under her giant yellow bracelet-type-thing. "Oh wow it sure is getting late. You wanna call it a day?"

"But...it's noon…"

Kairi yawned, completely ignoring him. "Okay, sounds good. I'm tired."

_**Later…**_

It was sunset, and the trio were sitting on a tree, pondering about there existence, meaning, and what there was out there. They were wondering and discussing all the important questions, the big questions, everything.

"Riku, there is _no_ way Tomatoes are a fruit!"

"Oh for god's sakes are you two idiots _still _arguing about the stupid tomatoes?! Seriously, don't you have something better to do with your time?!"

"Nope." Chirped Sora with a smile. "Nothing more important than sitting around with friends and getting into pointless arguments. You know, except maybe, schoolwork, or something."

"Sora, for all we know we don't even _have _a school." Responded Riku.

"Be that as it may," Kairi cut in quickly, "This is still not a productive or plot relevant area of conversation."

"Right then, back to the plot."

"So, Kairi's world is out there, right?" Sora asked, changing the subject.

Riku rolled his eyes. "Sora, how often are you going to ask about Kairi's world? If _she_ doesn't know, how would I?" He sighed. "But we'll never know if we don't go and look for it."

"But how far will a raft take us? I mean it's not the sturdiest thing you know."

"Who knows? If we have too, we'll think of something else."

"But by then we'll be out on the ocean."

"We'll manage."

"And what about Wilson?" Kairi asked holding up the ball with one hand and pointing to it with the other.

Riku looked like he was deep in thought for a moment. "Well, we can't really leave him so, I guess we'll take him."

Sora looked very confused and upset. "Am I the only one who's not getting the joke?"

"Well, if there are other worlds out there," He began, ignoring Sora and tossing the ball over his shoulder, "Then, why did we end up on this one? That would mean we're just a small part of something much bigger."

"And if not, that would mean we're going to float off into the ocean and starve to death." Sora added in cheerfully.

"Well…I…suppose…"

"And wouldn't it make more sense for us to take a spaceship?"

"Well…Oh, I don't know! Maybe we'll just fall off the side of the world onto another one!"

"I though the world was round…"

"Well…It…I just…Oh! Why are you asking me all this?!"

"Well it _was _your idea." Kairi pointed out, giggling slightly.

He sighed heavily. "Okay, FINE!" He then pulled out a mass of papers and a physics and earth science book handing each one to Sora. "Here are some hypothesis and experiments, studies, and physics and earth science books for reference…also some graphs, a few pamphlets, and some Wikipedia pages, oh and there should be a 'How to build a raft that can take you into outer space' book in there too, but I just browsed through the first few pages before I realized it was a Dr. Suse book…If you look it over a few times, it starts to make sense." he finishes putting a finger to his head and the other hand on his hip to emphasize his point.

Sora stared at the pile of papers in his hands. "Um, thanks?"

"Well, suppose you do get to another world." Kairi paused and giggled. "What would you do there?"

"Well…I'm…not really sure. But we'll never know anything more than this little island if we don't try."

"You've sure been thinking a lot lately, not to mention doing a lot of research."

"Thanks to you." He said, obviously flirting with her. Sora made a face behind the massive stack of papers. "If you hadn't come I never would have thought of any of this."

"…But I came when I was seven. That was seven years ago."

"Well I've put a lot of thought into this."

"But, you only really mentioned it last week."

"That doesn't matter." He said quickly, then continued more softly, "Kairi, Thanks."

"You're welcome." She said nervously.

_**A few minutes later…**_

Sora and his friends walked off to go home. Kairi, ahead of the boys, Riku, calmly, and Sora, struggling to get the stack of papers back home. Suddenly, as if the ball had a grudge against him, Wilson got in his way and Sora fell flat on his back.

"No! The papers!" He shouted in dismay as the papers floated out to the sea. As if to add to his sorrow, a large star shaped fruit fell on his face. "What the-?!"

"You wanted one right?"

"What?!"

"If two people share the fruit, there destinies become intertwined."

"Inter-What?"

"Come on, I know you want to try it!"

He sat up."…Are you coming on to me?"

"What?! No! No, I meant with Kairi!"

"…Oh…OH! Oh, Right, I knew that! Ha ha…ha" He laughed nervously. The two shared an awkward pause, before racing off to the boats.

_**Elsewhere…**_

A bright blue and white castle, looking all to familiar, comes into view, before an all to familiar tune begins to play. Then a familiar duck walks through the familiar hall and happily enters the door. The room holds a familiar dog with a letter in his mouth. The letter bares a familiar seal. The duck reads the letter. There is a pause.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

_**Elsewhere…**_

In a lovely garden not to far away, a Dog/Man laid down having a happy little Dog/Man dream. Then a Duck, on the verge of hysterics, ran in screaming his head off.

"Goofy! Wake up!" The Dog/Man continued to sleep. The Duck put his hand up, and a lightning bolt, that should have killed the Dog/Man, but thankfully didn't, came from the sky.

The Dog/Man Yelled/Yelped.

"Well, gawrsh Donald! That hurt!"

"Goofy! This is no time to be complaining about you're silly needs!" He shouted. "We have a problem! But you can't tell anyone!"

He looked thoughtful. "Queen Minnie?"

"Not even the queen!"

"Daisy?"

"NO!"

"G'MORNIN' LADIES!" He shouted to the two behind Donald. Donald looked behind to see two very confused and slightly aggravated girls. He laughed nervously.

"Well, gee Donald, that joke was a little clichéd, doncha think?"

_**Elsewhere…**_

"Hello Sora!" Kairi greeted from her place on the raft.

"Hi!"

"The raft is almost ready, we just need some supplies. Oh and, by the way, have you seen Riku?"

"No, not yet, I'll go look for him."

_**Several feet away…**_

"Hi Riku!"

"Hey Sora. What do you think we should name the raft? I think we should name it High Wind."

"I think we should call it the Scootie Boat 9000!"

"…Sora there is no way we're naming it that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's stupid!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not times one hundred!"

"Is too times infinity!"

"DAMN!"

"Are you two at it again?" Kairi asked walking up to her friends. "Fine then, the usual?"

"Fine! If I win…I'm captain. And if you win…"

"I get to share a paopu with Kairi."

"What?"

"So it's settled, the winner get's to share a paopu with Kairi?"

Sora looked very confused. "Wait a minute!"

"Ready?!" Called Kairi, who's selective hearing prevented her from hearing this slightly offensive bet. "GO!"

And OFF THEY WENT! Neck and neck they were, racing to the large star shaped tree-like-thing (what the heck _was_ that anyway?) both running at the speed of sound! Like sonic the hedge hog they were!

Only not. Because Sora fell off the ledge seven times and Riku basically walked to the finish line.

"Aw MAN! Now the record is 56 to 0!"

"Fine then! We shall call the raft High wind."

Kairi then wandered off aimlessly.

"Hey, but I though you-"

"What? The thing about the paopu? I was only joking."

"Well it wasn't very funny…"

"Was for me! Now go ask Kairi what you need to get for the raft."

"FINE! I WILL!" He said, storming off.

_**Five seconds later…**_

"Okay Sora, you need to get me some food supplies for our trip."

"Okay, I can do that."

"Okay get three fish…"

"Okay."

"Three mushrooms…"

"Oka- Wait…wild ones?"

"A seagull egg…"

"Don't they carry diseases?"

"Three coconuts…"

"But, wait-"

"And fill this canteen full of water."

"And that's supposed to sustain us for who knows how long?"

"That should be plenty."

"Yeah! For you! You eat like a bird! I'm a growing boy, I need my veggies!"

"Then bring a tomato!"

"IT'S A FRUIT!" Came Riku's voice from far away.

"But Kairi…WAIT! We're supposed to share this little canteen of water?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Ewwww, I'm not sharing a canteen with _Riku_!"

"What?! He has cooties of something?!"

"Well DUH!"

"Sora, stop being immature!" She said putting her hands on her hips threateningly.

Sora sighed. "Fine." And off he went.

After getting two mushrooms right off the bat, Sora proceeded to a small islet to get coconuts. After climbing failed, he brutally beat the tree, until he had three green ones. He then ventured up another tree and got an extremely large seagull egg, something the seagull mama was not very happy about. After loosing part of his right ear, he finally got to the shore, where Wilson was lost again. Twenty minutes of searching, and three fish later, he found himself in a secret cave. On the walls were millions of doodles, most of which gave away the plot of the game, and a mushroom in the corner. Sora picked these mushrooms, and proceeded to stare at a drawing him and Kairi had done together when they were just kids. Sora then decided to draw a shooting star about to hit Kairi in the face…Oh wait no, it was a paopu. A paopu about to fly into her mouth, ultimately suffocating her and killing her. How Morbid.

"I've come to see the door," Said a strange man in a robe.

Sora jumped up. "Who's there?!"

"This world has been connected…"

"How did you get here!?"

"Tied to the darkness…"

"What are you talking about?!"

"Soon to be completely eclipsed."

"Why are you telling me this?!"

"You do not yet know what lies beyond the door."

"What door? That door?" He said jabbing his thumb in the general direction of the door behind him.

There is so much to learn. You understand so little."

"About what? Can't I learn?"

"A meaningless effort. One who knows nothing can understand nothing."

"…Are you implying I'm stupid?"

"..."

"...Hello?"

"Look, that's my entire dialog, I really don't have anything else to say, and you're really kind of annoying, so look over there."

Sora fell for the trick and looked towards the wall, then looked back to see the man had disappeared. So, thanks to Sora's short term memory loss, he was able to go off and on his way as though nothing had happened. Nothing at all. After a bit more walking around doing nothing in particular, he ventured back to Kairi who was happy to see he had done all his chores. She informed him that the sun was lying and it was really quite late. Sora agreed and it became sunset once again. So Sora and Kairi decided to sit on a dock. Oh, what fun!

"You know what I noticed?"

"That this calypso background music is getting really annoying?"

"…Wow…okay, no not that. I'm just thinking…Riku's really changed hasn't he?"

"What do you mean?"

She paused. "Hey Sora, lets go on the raft together, without Riku!"

"Okay!"

"Hee hee, just kidding."

Sora's face dropped, but figured it was for the best if he came. If his little plan got them killed, Riku was going down with them. "What's gotten into you Kairi? You're the one who's changed!" He said with a chuckle.

"Well, Sora, I _am_ a girl."

He blinked out of confusion. "What?"

She paused, then laughed nervously. "Ohhhh that is so not what you meant was it?" Then she giggled, which she does a lot. "Never mind then!"

"Um, okay."

"Oh, and Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever change."

"Um, okay…"

"You know, I was a little scared at first. But I know I can always come back! It'll be great, once we set sail…"

_**Elsewhere…**_

_Dear Donald,_

_It has come to my attention, through my constant surveillance of the stars, that a lot of them were blinking out! Even though it could take hundreds of millions of years after they blink out to see them blink out, I still have to see what's going on! Due to my tendencies to be very aloof, I won't see you for awhile. I herd of a 'Key', the key to out destiny! I need you to find that key! There is a man in Traverse Town named Leon, he will help you. I'm really sorry about this. Thanks a lot, pal._

_P.S. Could you please apologize to Minnie for me? I mean, I am her husband and I am leaving for who knows how long without telling her and so now she'll have to rule the entire kingdom by herself so…_

_Best wishes,_

_The King (insert Kings Seal here)_

"So what do we do?" Donald asked downcast.

"We'll just have to trust the king. He will help chronicle your travels…" Queen Minne said pointing to a random flowerpot. But it really WASN'T a flower pot….okay it was but behind it was…

"Cricket. James Cricket."

"Can we call you Jiminy?"

"Sure."

"Daisy, Can you look after the-" Said Donald. (For those of you who don't know, he was referring to 'The Cornerstone of Light'. That's right! They planned that far ahead!)

"Of course, now you get going."

Minnie saluted him.

Daisy saluted him.

Goofy saluted him.

"You're coming too!" he then pulled Goofy along by the ear. Then he hit him on the nose with a rolled up news paper.

_**Later…**_

"So Jiminy, you're world was destroyed by the Heartless too?"

"Oh, yes! It was horrible! We were scattered! As far as I can see, I'm the only one who made it to the castle…"

Goofy scratched his head. "Well, gawrsh Jiminy, it's not a very big castle…"

"Goofy…" Donald began in his quaky voice.

"Oh right, I get it!" He said, immediately realizing what Donald said due to their telepathic connection. "When we're in other worlds, we can't let on where we're from! We gotta protect the world border!"

"'Order!'"

"Right, the world porter!"

"No, 'Order!'"

"The…norder?"

"NO! THE WORLD 'ORDER'!"

"…Hors d'oeuvres?"

"…What?"

"Hors d'oeuvres, you know like, appetizers"

"What? No. ORDER!"

"…You…want to order Hors d'oeuvres?"

"Goofy, do you have a speech impediment, or a hearing problem?"

"A little of both, Donald. Why d'ya ask?"

"…Never mind…"

And on they went! They were greeted by two very hyper chipmunks, and boarded the Gummi ship. Light's flashed, buttons were pushed, levers were pulled. All was prepared for the long trip! With one last opening of the runway, burst of the engine, and the go-ahead from Donald…a hole opened under the ship, which fell in a satisfyingly cartoony fashion. Also, Donald had a heart attack.

_**Elsewhere…**_

In Sora's room, Sora sat, pondering about how his new life will be in a new world, what he should do when he gets there, how much he will miss his mom, but most importantly…why he was sitting in a dark room that held absolutely no form of entertainment. I mean really! Aside from random articles of clothing and a toy boat, it wasn't much. No TV, video games, not even any books! I guess all he could do was nap. In his bed. WITH HIS SHOES STILL ON. Not that his parents took very much interest in their son to teach him otherwise. I mean, they didn't really seem to notice that he was spending everyday building a RAFT with witch to AIMLESSLY DRIFT INTO THE OCEAN. Nor did they seem to care that he had spent the last six nights SLEEPING ON THE BEACH. Oh, and god forbid they buy him cloths that fit! Everything he owns is ether two sizes too big or too small! And it's not like he was desperately trying to find them after his world exploded, like he was with his friends! Yep. I'd say there is a MAJOR lack of parental guidance there. The amount of emotional scarring that this will cause remains to be seen.

Soon, a big, black and purple looking storm appeared over the Sora's little play island. Sora, naturally being more concerned about the raft than his own life, cleverly jumped out the window to go save it.

From the second floor.

_**Later…**_

"Kairi's boat! And Riku's!" He shouted after reaching the island. He then paused. "Wait…why didn't we just sail off on our boats?"

Before his realization could destroy all his hopes and dreams, a bunch of shadowy heartless popped out from the ground. Sora, completely un effected by these little creatures, ran around (tripping over many things mind you) until he reached Riku in the small islet.

"Riku! Where's Kairi!? I thought she was with you!"

"The door…has opened…" He said in a zombie like voice.

"…What door?"

"The door to the darkness! We have to go now!"

"But what about Kairi?!"

"She's coming with us!" He said becoming impatient. He paused and thought for a moment, before continuing, "And so is Wilson. If we go now, there will be no turning back. We may never get home, or ever see our parents again. We may not even survive…"

"Well _that's_ encouraging…" Sora said dryly.

"But this may be our only chance! I'm not afraid of the dark!" He said putting his hand out to Sora. Sora hesitated, but attempted to reach for his friend, not to join him, but to save him from the dark tendrils of doom that were eating him. He failed. Then dark. Then light! Then everything was normal, with the exception of Riku's presence. A voice called to Sora, who was now holding an extremely weird key-looking thing.

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

_Keyblade…_

**Keyblade…**

"…What the _hell_ is this?" Without much time to elaborate on the large, blunt, but surprisingly light object, Sora rushed off to the secret place. When he arrived he saw Kairi, who, like Riku was before, was just kind of standing there staring off into nothing. "Kairi!"

She turned around, and appeared to be holding Wilson. "So…ra…" then, the doors to the world flew open and, for some reason, there was a blast of wind that pushed Kairi's tiny body forward, and, well, Wilson was just a ball. Just as Sora was about to catch them, they DISAPPEARED! He was then thrown out where his whole island was a just one thing floating over an endless abyss of doom. From the ground came the shadow of evil from his previous dream.

Sora proceeded to kill it dead.

Unfortunately for Sora, his victory was short lived. He was then sucked up into an evil black hole of darkness. An with one final flash of doom, his whole world 'sploded. The resulting shock waves shot Sora into the next chapter.

Kingdom Hearts, Only Not

_This chapter was last edited on 2/2/o8_

(A/N: Okay, the whole thing with Wilson the blitz ball, is just a really lame 'Castaway' reference because they're like, stranded on an island and Wakka always has that ball so...yeah... also updates come slow, so don't be surprised if there's a two or three month long gap between chapters. Ha, sorry. I don't really think I even need to mention that I WANT/NEED reviews because, honestly, has there ever been a writer on this site saying "Don't review. I hate reviews."? No there has not.))


	3. Logic Is Not Conducive To Game Play

When we last left our heroes, Sora got sucked up, Riku got sucked down, and Kairi disintegrated. Meanwhile, Goofy was being goofy, Donald was driving a high-tech Lego ship through outer space, and King Mickey was nowhere to be found. In addition, the innuendo ridden dialog spawned fifty-seven Yaoi stories. So, now that we're all caught up…

Kingdome Hearts, Only Not

**Chapter Three: Logic Is Not Conducive To Game Play**

"Donald look! Another star's blinkin' out!"

"How do you know it's not a satellite?"

"…Well, gawrsh, I guess you may be right."

"That's right. Now hurry up! We need to find this 'Key.'"

"Maybe that Leon guy can help!" He said, noticing Pluto and Donald going in different directions. "Uhhh, Donald, I-"

"Oh what do _you_ know."

He scratched his head. "Well lotsa stuff Donald…C'mon Pluto!" The dog/man called over his shoulder to the dog, who ignored him and ran off in another direction.

_**Meanwhile…**_

Sora, who's entire life had just fallen apart mind you, was unconscious in a piss smelling ally behind a pile of boxes. This is when Pluto came onto the sceen, and gave Sora a lick on the cheek.

"Two more minutes ma…" Pluto then crushed his rib cage (Seriously though, that looked painful.) "Whoa! Hey, where am I! This isn't a dream!" He panicked getting to his feet. That's when he noticed Little ol' Pluto. One can only assume there were no animals on Destiny Islands, because that was when Sora started talking to him. Haha, talking animals! How silly! Can you imagi- HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

"Bark!" Pluto said happily, then ran off. Sora was upset by this, and ran after him. What he saw both shocked and amazed him. The bright lights, big signs, and oddly dressed people, not to mention some extremely skimpily dressed woman, it meant one thing!

Sora was in New York City!

Or at least you would think that, but, no, he was really in Traverse town. Ether way, Sora as beyond confused, and decided it would be in his best interest to enter an accessory shop instead of a hospital or police station. Although, can you blame him? Seeing as how there _weren't _any.

After Sora had just entered, a blond man looked over smiling cheerfully. "Hello customer! How may I help you this fine-" He then paused, and his face fell along with every ounce of his fake happiness. "Oh, it's just a kid."

"It's not 'kid,' it's Sora!" Said Sora getting all worked up over nothing.

"Okay, calm down. What do you want?"

"Where am I?"

_**Five seconds later…**_

"So this is another world?"

"Not sure I know what you're talking about…" Which was a lie because he came from another world himself, "But you sure aren't on your island no more. Why don't you go look for your friends, and come on back if you need help."

"Thanks Grandpa!"

"My names Cid not Grandpa!"

"Can I call you uncle Cid?"

"No. Now get out." He stated evenly pointing to the door. Sora did as he was told like a good little idiot. (Jump through the hoop Sora! Jump through the hoop! GOOD BOY!)

_**Later…**_

"I am so beyond lost it's not even funny." Sora stated looking over a map he came across an hour ago. The map however was not the town map and Sora was beginning to realize this 'Traverse Town' didn't have a 'Magic Kingdom' _or_ a 'Space Mountain.' "You would think people would have the sense to properly dispose of useless maps." He said tossing it over his shoulder.(anyone catch the irony there?)

Ignoring the recycling bin to his right, he wandered about swinging his new weapon at various darkness monsters. He looked everywhere for his dear friends, but none were to be found, and decided to head on back to see Cid. Before he could do this however, a man ran by him, and a small dark monster jumped on his head, stealing his heart. Not his HEART heart, you know, the gray lopsided organ that pumps blood and thus would bleed profusely upon being removed, oh no no _no_! Rather it was the sparkly pink and red and even orange-ish heart that contained your emotions, sense of right and wrong, and all the light and dark in you. You know, the one you keep in your spleen.

The heartless then wondered off leaving Sora confused, scared, and a little hungry. After a few more hours of Sora's aimless wondering, which had turned into Sora's aimless running for his life, he arrived back in the first district. He explained to Cid of all the events that had happened in his absence, and Cid assured him he would find his friends and to keep looking. Sora, again, did as he was told and promptly left. But no sooner than he had exited the small shop did Sora hear a voice from behind him.

"They'll come for you." Said a certain brown haired FFVIII character.

"What?"

"And they'll keep on coming at you, so long as you continue to wield the key blade." He paused, putting his hand to his forehead. "But why? Why did it choose a kid like _you_?"

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It doesn't matter. Now…lets see that key blade…"

"What!? No way! There is no way you're getting- Wait, why am I defending this giant, blunt, key-like object anyway? I mean, really, it's-" Leon took this opportunity to hit Sora on the head, and he promptly fainted. That was around the same time Rikku popped up and…

…Oh, I'm sorry!

The part of Final Fantasy cameo number two will be played by Yuffie instead of Rikku, because her name confuses the Americans. She will be voiced by Christy Carlson Romano, because fate is cruel.

We will now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

"I think you may have overdone it Squall!" She chirped.

"My names Leon."

"Not according to your birth certificate!"

"That disintegrated when our word succumbed to the darkness." he deadpanned. Yuffie rolled her eyes. "Anyway…it looks like things are worse than we thought…"

_**Elsewhere…**_

In some back-ally on the outskirts of town, Donald and Goofy were looking around for this 'Key' their King so vaguely spoke of. However as anyone would know, one never travels in the back allies of a strange city. Apparently, Donald was out of the loop on that bit.

"Gawrsh Donald…sure is spooky back here…"

"No it's not you coward!" He shouted. He felt a light tap on his shoulder, and in an ironic and unbelievably corny but cute altogether Disney attempt at comedy, he contradicted himself and jumped three feet in the air. When he finally landed on Goofy's back, and turned around, he saw a girl.

"Um, excuse me? Did the king send you?"

_**Elsewhere…**_

"Wake up lazy bum!" Shouted the all-to-familiar voice of Kairi. Sora made a groaning noise and sat up in bed. You know the one that he didn't go to sleep in. But that doesn't worry Sora, because his not-Girlfriend is there for him to talk to. "Are you okay?"

"Um, yeah I guess."

"Those heartless are after the key blade, but it's your heart they really want, because you wield the key blade."

"I'm so glad you're okay, Kairi!" Said Sora completely ignoring and disregarding everything she just said.

"Kairi? Who are you talking about? I'm the great ninja Yuffie!" The girl shouted proudly. Sora was confused by this and blinked at the crazy ninja girl, who looked over her shoulder at her friend. "I think you may have overdone it Squall!"

"My name is Le-Wait, didn't we already have this conversation?"

"Wait, Keyblade?" Asked Sora who had just then started to catch on.

"Oh, yeah. We had to get it away from you to shake off those creatures. That's how they were tracking you."

"So you put it on the other side of the same room I was in?"

"Hey, whatever works."

"It was the only way to hide you're heart from them. But it won't work for long." Leon explained.

"Well, of course not, it's right there."

Leon, blatantly ignoring Sora and his silly logic, picked up the key shaped blunt object. "But still…I can't believe it chose a kid like you." The man complained swinging the sword. However, in an amazing flash of light, Sora suddenly had the very blade Leon had only moments earlier. It shot though his hand, almost stabbing him in the process. But that would be a huge rip off and extremely anti-climactic. His life was spared. "Oh well…Guess beggars can't be choosers."

"…Seriously, I have no clue what you're talking about."

_**Elsewhere again…**_

Aerith sighed deeply. "Okay, you know there are other worlds out there besides this one and your castle, right?"  
"Of course!" Donald quaked.

"But their supposed to be a secret!" Goofy said putting his hands over his mouth.

"They were a secret…well you know except for when King Mickey came and all that but for the most part it was. See they'd never been connected until then. When the heartless-"

"And King Mickey!"

"Don't forget Disney in general."

"…When the heartless came, everything changed."

_**Un-Elsewhere…**_

"Heartless?" Questioned Sora.

"The ones who attacked you, remember?"

"Well, no. As a matter of fact I can't remember a lot of stuff ever since that guy hit me on the head."

"They are those without hearts." Leon explained.

"The darkness in peoples hearts…that's what attracts them."

"And there is darkness in every heart."

"Wait!" The main character cut in angrily. "But then how do they get the supply of blood and oxygen to their-"

She hastily cut him off. "Hey! Have you ever heard of a guy named Ansem?"

"…I was just dropped off in a new world after living my life with no contact with other worlds and never being sure there even were any. How could I _possibly_, under any circumstances-"

_**Re-Elsewhere…**_

"Ann Sam?"

"He studied the heartless, and recorded his findings in a very detaild term-paper."

"Well gawrsh, can we see it?"

"It's pages are scattered everywhere…too Many worlds."

"So they could be anywhere within the vast and possibly endless vacuum of space?"

"No, they've probably only gone as far as a nine world radius."

"…Oh…"

"OH!" Goofy said, coming to a realization. "So maybe The King went to find them!"

"Yes, those were my thoughts exactly!"

"Well we gotta find him quick!"

"WAIT ONE MINUTE!" Shouted Donald, pulling the fourth wall down a little in an extremely cheesy but all together adorable Disney attempt at humor once more. This made the Disney fans go 'Heh…that silly duck…' and the Final Fantasy fans go 'FAIL.' "First we need that 'key!'"

"Oh right, the key blade!"

_**Un-Re-Elsewhere…**_

"So this is the 'Key.'"

"Um, yeah. Thus the name '_Key_blade.'"

"The heartless have a great fear of the Keyblade. That's why they'll keep coming after you. In hopes they can…like…break it or something…"

"Okay wait one minute! I didn't ask for this! Shouldn't this kind of thing involve paper work or something?!"

"They Keyblade chooses it's master. And it chose you!"

"So, tough luck."

"But how did all this happen!? I…I remember being in my room…doing nothing…WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOME! MY ISLAND! RIKU…and Kairi…?"

"You know what? They probably died."

"WHAT?!"

"Well I'm sorry, but it's true. The only possible way they could have survived is if somehow they ether had an unbelievably strong heart, like strong enough to also wield the keyblade, of hid their heart within you which really doesn't make sense because of the horrible heath complications it would cause if you had different blood types."

"But that run-on sentence makes no sense!"

"Who cares about that making sense? How about the fact that you're more worried about your friends than your parents!"

"Well, the games main theme is the bond of friendship. Parent-child relationships don't really apply here. Not only that, most kids our age hate their parents, so it would be hard for them to relate."

The poor innocent fourth wall never had a chance.

"Regardless!" Leon said dismissing Sora and his crazy _friendship theme _and _plot holes_. "You better get ready kid, because this is going to be the fight of your life."

"But-!"

"LEON LOOK!" Yuffie shouted pointing to a small heartless that had appeared in the corner of the room. The man pulled out his gun blade and ordered that Yuffie run, and Sora follow him into a back-ally. On her way out, Yuffie squished Donald into the wall, and worried Aerith. Then a lot of other things happened, all of it action which Kimi can't write for her life. Our end result?

_**Later…**_

After a few more minutes of slashing away at heartless and stumbling around in the darkness of Travers town for a few hours, Sora made his way to what he could only assume was the second district. However he probably would have had a much easier time had Leon stayed with him instead of running off to leave a fourteen year old child with obvious signs of ADD to figure his way around a strange, new, dark, and stupidly designed world. Especially since he had absolutely no idea where he was going. And when I say dark, I don't mean Pokémon Gold and Silver style 'LOL It's leik…dark now :D!!1one!' I mean the kind of dark that just is _not_ conductive to game play. Like Zelda: Twilight Princess. Yeah. That dark.

Anyway, after even more running around not knowing where the heck to go, Sora slammed right into the door leading to the third district. He stood up, pinched his nose that was bleeding, and opened the door, muttering words that shouldn't even _exist _in anything even _remotely_ Disney. Little did he know, just a few feet above his head was two talking animals, looking for the very thing he possessed. Two very incompetent talking animals. Two very incompetent who would soon become his somewhat annoying incompetent talking animal sidekicks. Well, Actually they would be his two slightly annoying talking animal sidekicks, one of which was incompetent, and the other slightly less incompetent but twice as annoying, together making the party members you get rid of so you can fit Tarzan into your party.

Okay, maybe not _Tarzan _but still.

Cause, you know, Deep jungle was like the most pointless and boring world in the game resulting mainly of a bad idea and a budget cut.

ANYWAY.

"Hey Donald look! Is that the 'Key?'"

"HOW WOULD I KNOW YA BIG PALOOKA?!"

"Well I just- GAWRSH!" He shouted pointing to a small heartless preparing for an attack. However because Donald was just SO smart, he cast a Thunder spell that blew them off the balcony that has no legitimate reason as to how they got there. Seriously. It had no door. Not only that, but at what point did they decide they'd find the 'Key' there? Ether way, they were thrown off violently and fell to there doom.

And they landed on Sora. Sora in turn made a cracking noise.

"Oh, The Key!"

"OH GOD MY SPINE!"

And so an epic battle against random heartless began! Then when all the monsters had been created, a crazy giant armor like one jumped out of nowhere. This one was also defeated. But only after the near death Sora experienced. After everything clamed down, Sora turned to his new friends.

"So…you were looking for me?"

"Well, kinda…"

"They too were looking for the wielder of the Keyblade."

"HEY!" Goofy shouted. "Why don't you come to other worlds with us in our Lego ship!"

"Gummi ship." Donald corrected.

"I wonder if I could find my friends…" He wondered out loud.

"Absolutely!"

"Really?" Goofy whispered.

"Who knows, but we need him to come with us." He whispered back.

"…You realize I'm right here and can hear everything you're saying, right?"

"…Uhhhh…"

"Go with them Sora. Especially if you want to find your parents."

"But I _don't_ want to find my parents."

"OKEY DOKEY THEN!" Goofy shouted with a wide smile. "But you can't go lookin' all sad!"

"That's right! Our ship runs on happy faces!"

"…That is quite possibly the single _gayest_ thing I have _ever_ heard, but okay." Sora then made the most horrific face that has ever been. This, sadly, was the beginning of their friendship. They laughed together. "Okay! I'll go with you guys!"

"I'm Donald Duck!" Holding his hand out.

"Goofy!" He placed his hand on Donald's.

"And I'm Sora!" He stated proudly putting his hand on top.

"And I'm Yuffie!" Yuffie shouted placing her hand in too. They all stared at her for a long time, her happy face slowly fading.

"…You killed it."

_**Elsewhere…**_

In a room, far away from our unsuspecting heroes, were a group of shady individuals. The room they were in was covered in darkness, to a point beyond the inconvenience of Zelda TP. All that could be used to identify these people were their voices.

"So, the little squirt beat the heartless! Who would have thought." Said someone who sounded suspiciously similar to James Woods.

"Such is the power of the keyblade. The child's power is not his own…" Said someone you could mistake for Jonathan Freeman.

"Let's just turn him into a heartless! That'll settle things quick enough!" Shouted a woman with the voice of one miss Pat Carroll.

"And his friends are the kings lackeys!" Someone who was probably Corey Burton said. He said more but it was all really annoying and generally stupid. In short he called them ugly, I guess.

"Your no prize yourself!" Shouted…god I don't know, Ken Page?

"SHUT UP!"

"Enough!" ordered Susan Blakeslee. You know I'm not making this up, right? I'm looking all the voice actors up right now. "He has been chosen by the Keyblade. Will it be him who conquers the darkness? Or will the darkness swallow him…? Ether way, he could be quite useful."

"…Or he could become even stronger and, you know, kill all of us."

"Did I ask you?"

_**Back with Sora…**_

"Okay, take care of yourself. There are a lot of threats out there." Leon warned them.

"Check out some of the shops! They got some really awesome stuff!" Yuffie said with a bright smile.

"And take this seemingly large but actually quite small amount of money with you." Said Aerith handing him 100 munny. "And good luck!"

"Um…thanks?"

"Okay everyone!" Said Donald in a chipper voice. "It's time to leave! But before we do, I need to give you this!" Donald shouted. Suddenly Sora obtained the ability to use fire spells.

"…Wait how on earth did you-"

"Oh and Goofy give him that other thing!"

And with that Sora obtained the doge roll ability.

"…How the hell did that even work?"

"It doesn't have to make sense it just has to work. Now get in the ship."

And so the epic adventure began!

…The epic adventure of plot holes and logic lacking situations that don't make sense all lovingly made fun of and pointed out by a young girl in a fan fiction that probably wasn't a every good idea in the first place…

But oh well.

Kingdome Hearts, Only Not

_Last Edited: 3/31/08_

(A/N: Wow. Okay. Um yeah, Two months. Ha..haha…um yeah about that. WELL THE FUNNY DOESN'T JUST COME ON DEMAND YOU KNOW! IF I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M IN A FUNNY MOOD I CAN'T WRITE OR IT COMES OUT LIKE CRAP! Anyway…in addition to that, a lot of things have gotten in the way of my writing. Amazingly I do have a life. Yes, school, but also friends and extra curricular activities. So yeah. This will happen often. This is my best work so far and I want it to come out the best it can. That, in turn, takes time and effort. So yeah, I'm doing my best here guys. I'll try to keep the updates under a month at a time at the most. Well, enjoy this late chapter, and please review! It makes my day, it really does! Till next time!)


	4. Feed Your Head

"Whoooooa…." Sora whispered in marvel at the size of the Lego™ ship.

"Sure is amazin' isn't it?" Goofy said happily. Sora nodded.

"So we can go to a different world now!?"

"Sure can!"

"And Riku and Kairi will be there!"

"Probably not!" Donald interjected cheerfully. "But you just keep on telling yourself that!" He then pulled various levers and switches before finally settling on the simple act of pressing one button, all in a very ironically toony fashion.

"…" Sora frowned sadly. Oh how he missed his friends. He looked out the window and noticed a large, red, oddly shaped…thing in the distance and anything even remotely related to angst was gone. Little did he know, if he wasn't angsty…_nobody liked him_. There's some fun Square Enix Logic for you. "Hey look it's a world!"

The ship stopped short over it and BAM. Sora's head meets front window. Kids, don't forget to wear you're seatbelts during inter-dimensional travel through Gummi space.

…Or _something _generic and Disney-ish like that.

Kingdome Hearts, Only Not

**Chapter Four: Feed Your Head**

A few minutes later (After Goofy's brilliant idea to just jump right on out of the ship), our trio was floating down to the ground gently and slowly, much to the Gravity's disapproval. However, as our heroes would soon learn, the laws of physics didn't exist in this topsy-turvy world. However for a brief and shining moment, gravity took over once more, and Goofy fell on his head. Again. Then, as though the small creature had popped out of a wall, there ran by a small white rabbit in a cute little suit wearing a monocle and carrying a huge stop watch.

"I'm late! Oh sooooo late! Oh what am I to do!? The queen will have my head!" And with that, the small rabbit was off.

"…What was that?"

"Well Sora, I believe that there was one of them there bunny ra-"

"I knew _that_, but why did it have on cloths and look all weird and…and why did we float down, and why does everything look like just a bunch of stickers on the walls?"

"Well, It's a different world, and things are different in different worlds. Now lets follow that rabbit."

"…Why?" Sora asked cocking his head to the side.

"Do you have another idea?"

"…No."

"Okay then we're following the talking Rabbit." Donald finalized pointing forward down the wobbly looking hall way. After a long walk, they went through a three door doorway than nether made sense nor served any real purpose much like the rest of Wonderland. Upon entering a small cramped room, Sora came under the impression, after seeing the bed and table and couch all in one cramped room (most of which was stickers again, but somehow still cramped.), that he was in some sort of very scary cosmic apartment building. Sora attempted to sit down on the bed, which dissolved into the wall. Before anything could be said about this, the Rabbit appeared out of nowhere and ran through a small door. He had obviously shrunk, as his head now came up to about the bottom of the doorknob.

"Hey, How'd he get so small?" Sora inquired pointing towards the small door.

"No, you're simply too big!" Replied the doorknob.

"It talks!" Donald shouted.

"It talks with an accent!" Sora added.

The doorknob yawned loudly. "My, you're an annoying bunch, aren't you. You woke me up!"

"You mean you weren't already woken up from the Rabbit running through you?"

The doorknob narrowed it's eyes. "Rabbit's are quiet creatures, unlike you."

"But he was screaming his head off when we saw him!"

"Sora, be polite to the nice doorknob." Donald said.

"Oh, stop that noise! You've woken me up and now you won't let me back to sleep!"

"Good mornin'!" Goofy greeted cheerfully, in hopes that someone would pay attention to him.

"Good night! I need more sleep!" The door yawned again.

"Wait! How do we grow small?"

"That would be an oxymoron you illiterate urchin. But if you want to shrink, try that bottle of unmarked liquid on the table." And right on que, the table sticker popped up, and two bottles of unmarked liquid appeared on top. Sora proceeded to pick one up.

"Wait!" Donald quacked. "You're really going to drink some stuff from an unmarked bottle because…because a _doorknob _told you to?!"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Yeah! Crawl through the door big or small, you're scrawny enough to get through!"

"Hey! I'm not scrawny!"

"Hey guys! This here unmarked liquid tastes like almonds!" Goofy shouted happily holding up the bottle.

There was a pause.

"Um…Is anything gonna-" Before Sora could finish his question, the trio shrunk down to the size of Barbie dolls. "Wow…We really should have seen that coming."

"Oh be quiet." Donald mumbled.

_**A few moments later…**_

Sora and company stumbled into a lovely rose garden where a court was taking place. Around the area stood soldiers who were actually cards, and on the defendants stand stood a petite blond in a blue dress. Suddenly, the white rabbit zoomed past Sora and company once again, panting and panicking the whole way, before he made his way to a small stand. Out hammerspace, her retrieved a large trumpet. For some reason, this apparently made sense.

"Court is now in session!" Said the rabbit.

"Alice!" Began the Queen of hearts, a large, Manish looking woman of forty or so. "You have been charged with assault on my heart, have you anything to say in you're defense."

"Okay," Began Alice with a heavy sigh from the defendants stand. "All I did was walk in and ask for directions and you put me on trial. I wasn't-"

"How dare you defy me?!" Fumed the Queen.

"You told me to defend myself! This whole court is a big joke!" She shouted irritated.

"Guys…we should help her." Sora suggested being all considerate.

"We can't!"

"Yeah! That'd be muddling!" Goofy said cheerfully, feeling very smart.

"Meddling!" Donald corrected. "And besides, maybe she deserves it."

"…_What_?"

"Well Sora, you don't know what happened, maybe she's a filthy heartless who deserves to die." Donald suggested matter of factly. His rather calm tone in saying this scared Sora enough to shut him up. But not for long.

"That's it! Off with her head!"

"No please! I didn't do anything!"

"Stop!" Sora shouted dramatically running in.

There was a long awkward pause.

"Who are you!?"

"Oh, Hi! I'm Sora." He said in a friendly voice, forgetting that he was angry. "And um…Oh right! You can't do that! It's in violation of the sixth amendment…and probably most of the other ones too!"

Alice gave him a funny look. "Well of course it is, this is England. You Americans left here so you could have you silly amendments." She paused for a moment. "At least…I think this is England."

"…Okay, first off, I'm from Japan…I think…Okay no, I'm half American because of Disney but, yeah, _that_," He said pointing to the queen. "Is no Queen Elisabeth."

"Well that's true." She admitted with a snicker.

"That's it! Off with both your heads!" The Queen bellowed.

"But wait! I know who the real culprit is!" Sora shouted, using a big word he barely understood.

"_Cough_meddling_cough_" Donald coughed. Sora glanced back to glare at him.

"Oh really? Who was it then?" The Queen asked doubtfully.

"_Cough_MEDDLING_cough"_

Sora turned around and glared again, and in the short pause, one of the card soldiers was able to mutter a sarcastic '_smooth'_ directed at the duck.

"It was the heartle-oopse!" Goofy almost blurted out.

"Well, um, it's kinda hard to explain." Sora covered.

"Ha! Yeah right! Off with all their heads!"

"Wait! It wasn't us!"

"Well do you have any proof?" She asked impatiently, resting her large head in her pudgy hand.

"Ummm…Well no. But we can get some!"

Before anyone had a chance to realize what was going on, Alice was in a bird cage meant for humans. Why the queen just happened to have one of those handy, we may never know. Not that we really wanted to.

"Fine then. Go get some evidence. You can get as much or as little as you want, just hurry up. I haven't got all day you know."

"Something tells me you do." Sora mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Um, nothing."

"Right, well hurry back."

And with that, Sora was off.

But not before he stopped to chat with Alice.

"Hi, I'm Sora." He said in a friendly voice.

"Hello, I'm Alice. I'm sorry I got you all mixed up in this insanity. Everything is so strange here." She said eyeing one of the card-men. "Oh, and sorry I was rude earlier. You see I rather dislike Americans. _Those god damn Yankees_…" she growled narrowing her eyes, immediately cheering up to add, "Oh but you seem rather nice!"

Sora, being somewhat offset by this raised an eye brow at the small girl. "Um…yeah… Well don't worry about it. I understand…I think." He hastily changed the subject. "But don't worry. We'll get you out of there! Right guys?"

"A'yup!" Said Goofy trying to fit in.

"We?!" Donald squawked. "You got us into this mess! We told you not to say anything! Warned you it was meddling! But did you listen? No!"

"…So you gonna help or not?"

"…Yeah, fine."

"See! You can count on us!" He shouted running off.

"…You realize you're going to die here." Commented a nearby card soldier.

Alice sighed heavily. "Yes."

_**Elsewhere…**_

Wonderland was a world of wonder, thus the name _Wonder_land. However, the confusion and silliness of wonderland isn't always what one may consider _wonderful_. As a matter of fact, Wonderland was a rather annoying level of the game. It was pretty big, and extremely confusing. Things in wonderland really didn't make a lot of sense at all. The Lotus Forest in particular being possibly one of the most annoying of all. Honestly, a pond you could stand on? Giant mushrooms and lily pads? Trees that were half plastered to a wall? Yes sir, the Lotus Forest was pretty confusing and silly. And if Sora had known this prior, he probably wouldn't have volunteered find the evidence.

Because it was one _hell_ of a place for a treasure hunt.

"This was a bad idea." Sora said nervously looking around the odd looking room/forest. Donald and Goofy nodded in agreement.

"I told you so." Donald said with a smug look on his face.

"Well, I'm sure this place has got to be full of evidence, right? We just gotta find it!"

"There aren't even any heartless yet!"

"Well of course not yet! I mean how can we have a cut scene while being attacked by heartless? How inconvenient is _that_?!"

"…So they just continently leave us alone during anything plot relevant?"

"Well…yeah, I guess. I mean if I was, uh, I don't know, about to fight my best friend because he was about to kill a girl I liked or something and then all of a sudden one of those huge Defender heartless just popped up and crushed me to death, what kind of ending would that be? That would piss people off almost as much as _The Sopranos _series finally."

"Regardless," the duck said disregarding Sora's rambling, "How are we gonna prove to The Queen that it was the heartless and not Alice."

"Ummm…we could try to catch one."

"With what?"

"I don't know, heartless bait and a net?"

Before Donald could elaborate on or mock Sora's plan, the trio became quite distracted by a dancing cats head floating around in the air. Needless to say, the trio was rather shocked and confused by this. The dancing cat head then moved to rest on a huge tree stump, where it's body jumped on it. After the strange purple cat had re-assembled himself, he sat nicely and smiled creepily at the trio. "Why hello."

"Who are you?!" Donald quacked.

"Who indeed?" Responded the cat in a riddle of sorts, the likes of which would only get more annoying from here on out. He quickly changed the subject, avoiding the question completely. "Poor Alice! Soon to loose her head, and she's not guilty of a-"

"BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK! BARK BARK! GRRR! GRRRRRRRR! GRRARK BARK BARK!"

Whatever the cat had to say was cut short by the dog/man's incessant barking. There was a fifteen minute time span in which they all waited for Goofy to stop. This time was spent in vain.

"Maybe we should try to talk over him!" Sora shouted over the noise.

The cat looked a combination of confused and amused, it's creepy smile never leaving it's face. "Right then! As I was saying, Alice isn't guilty of a thing!"

"What?!"

"I said, Alice isn't guilty of a thing!"

"Guilty of a ring?"

"A THING!"

"Ohhh! Well if you know who the culprit is then tell us!"

"The who?!"

"The culprit!"

"The paw print?!"

"No! Culprit!"

"Sul spit?!"

"NO! THE CULPRIT!"

"The shul-?!"

"WHO DONE IT!?"

"Oh! Well why are you asking me, you already know it was the heartless!"

"What?!"

"OH FOR LOVE OF DISNEY, GOOFY! DOWN BOY!" Donald commanded angrily, spraying Goofy with a spray bottle of water he pulled out of hammer space. Goofy clamed down and sat on the ground, still growling quietly.

"…Right then, um, what were you saying?"

The cat's creepy smile widened. "The Cheshire Cat has all the answers, but doesn't always tell."

"Wait, so you know everything?"

"But I don't always tell!"

"Well, do you know the meaning of life?"

"Yes."

"Do you know whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?"

"Yes."

"Do you understand why people think Dane Cook is funny?"

"…No." The cat admitted _almost _abandoning his creepy smile, but still not quite. He gave one last huge smile before disappearing into thin air.

"Hey wait!"

"The heartless already left, I won't say which exit. There's four pieces of evidence. Three are easy to find, the last one is tricky! Big reward if you find them all." And with that, the cats voice faded away.

"…Should we trust him?"

POOF there he was again. "To trust or not to trust! I trust you'll deci-"

"BARK BARK BARK BARK! GRRRRARK BARK BARK!"

**Hello, I'm a page break**

Well, as said before, the Lotus forest was among one of the most annoying places one could land themselves in this game. However Sora was determined to help the little blond girl he had just met. So off he went to go and collect the conveniently placed boxes of evidence, on an epic (mini) adventure to remember. That is, until KH:CoM but, uhhh, lets not get into that.

Well the first box was, as the cat promised, easy to locate. A little wondering about the odd forest/room and there it was. In a gift wrapped box. Why the box was gift wrapped, and to that extent, how exactly you get footprints into a box, are beyond probably even the ones who made the game.

The second box was a little harder to find. After jumping on some oversized mushrooms, that were actually normal sized because Sora was tiny, he reached a dark door type thing in a tree. Yes, in a tree. He went into the tree and came out in the first room which contained the bottles of unmarked liquid known as the Bizarre room, an accurate name. Because you see, depending on which entrance you enter the room from, the gravitational force will change. So as Wonderland once again trampled all over the laws of physics, Sora quickly found the second evidence while running along the right wall. Inside THAT continently placed gift wrapped box was the evidence stench. Who took the time to box a smell is…just weird. I mean what do they even smell like anyway. Unless it was, like, heartless brand perfume or something…that really doesn't make much more sense though.

The third piece of evidence was a little easier to find, because there were no drastic changes in gravity to factor in. Basically Sora jumped on more randomly placed oversized mushrooms that, amazingly, despite being mushrooms could support Sora's weight. Yes, I am aware he was small. But that's like a…a hamster balancing on a mushroom. He's gonna fall. Or the mushrooms is at least going to wobble a little. But that was about it. He jumped on a platform and the evidence of a boxed heartless antenna was his for the taking.

The last one was really just annoying. First, Sora had to talk to a flower, yes a _flower_, which made him big again so he could step on a tree stump that shrunk into the ground (!?) and hit a tree branch. Then, he took a bite of an acorn which made him shrink once more. After all this unnecessary crap, and more taking in of potentially harmful substances, Sora found the final evidence! Claw marks! How they got that into a box? Well, by now you should realize that it doesn't make sense, no amount of explanation will ever make sense of it, and if there is anything in this chapter that DOES make sense, there is a good chance that something that makes no sense will drop from the sky and beat it to death with the Friends season eight DVD box set.

Yeah. Exactly.

_**Later…**_

Back in the court room that had no point because the Queen just did whatever she wanted anyway, Sora and friends had arrived to present the evidence they found on their epic (mini) adventure. Alice was watching intently with the little bit of renewed hope that came from seeing all the evidence collected. The card soldier was laughing at her. Sora was standing at the defendants podium, and Donald and Goofy were waiting by in a balcony of sorts where, had it been run by the American legal system, a jury would typically have been seated. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The card soldier mentioned earlier continued his laughter.

"Okay then, show me the evidence you collected."

In a sudden poof, all four boxes fell to the ground. Sora blinked in a confused manner. "Um…not sure exactly how that happened but, here's the evidence."

"Well it sure is a lot…but I'm not impressed, so I'm going to add my own box of evidence to you're four boxes and let you pick only one, rendering most of the past three pages virtually pointless and corrupting the entire defense." And with that, another box poofed beside the other four. The boxes we're then shuffled. "Okay, now pick one. I'll decide who's guilty based on that."

Sora stared back at the Queen flabbergasted. "Are you _serious_? You put us through all that so that we could pick our evidence out of a mystery box?! That completely defeats the entire purpose of everything we did for the past three hours of game play! Do you have _any_ idea how annoying it was to run around that stupid upside down room from every angle?! I had to eat an acorn! The stench box freaking LEAKED and now I smell like charcoal and ginger ale -PLEASE don't ask me why heartless smell like charcoal and ginger ale- And this is my only set of cloths I own because my world exploded! And after all that you're just going to throw in your own evidence and just KILL every ounce of logic and truth left in this crack head world! What the _hell_ is you're problem, lady?!" Sora finished panting heavily.

"It would be a waste to check all five."

"No it wouldn't!"

"Silence! You're insolence could cost you your head!" He spat back.

Sora, being a teenager and having the irresistible need to talk back, opened his mouth to say something, but being the obedient child who listened to any adult/talking adult-like animal he happened to come by, stopped short and pouted. "Fine."

And so Sora chose the box that would decide all their fates. For no real reason, he picked the exact middle one. After picking said box, it happily opened it's self to reveal…Donald and Goofy?

"…How the hell did they get in that box?!"

"Haha! I see you've chosen MY evidence!" Shouted the large queen.

"WHAT?! Oh for gods sake! WHAT are the ODDS?!" Sora shouted in dismay over his painfully bad luck.

In response, the large queen engaged in a mini boss battle with Sora and Co. Except, since Donald and Goofy were found guilty, they were stuck in really odd looking cage. Half of the pretty garden poofed away and a large tower suddenly appeared, which was used as a crank to hoist the cage holding Alice into the air. After freeing Donald and Goofy from their prison, Sora attacked the tower. The more of the tower he destroyed, the closer he got to winning, and the more life balls fell out. At the end of the fight, Alice's cage fell to the ground. Sora and The Queen waited for the curtain to pull back. When it did, Alice was…gone!

"No! We can't have a trial without a defendant!" Shouted The Queen in anger.

"WHAT!?" Sora returned after a short pause, his changing teenage voice cracking a little. "What do you mean trial!? You were _attacking _us! For no reason!"

"No I wasn't!"

"Yes you _were_! We spent three hours finding evidence so that you could just attack us anyway!" He fumed. "Ugh! That doesn't even matter! You were trying to kill us because you thought we were guilty, what does Alice being here have to do with _anything_?! You might as well just kill us anyway."

"Sora, what the hell are you doing!?" Squawked Sora's duck-friend.

"I don't know!" He cracked near tears, clutching his head. "I'm _so_ _confused_!"

"Well, I have no idea what you're talking about." Said the Queen uninterestedly, immediately changing her tone to one of urgency. "But I want all of you to go ask Alice no matter what it takes!" At this, the remaining not-dead card soldiers started franticly running around the room, effectively getting nothing accomplished.

"Ask her what?" Questioned a confused Goofy after a moment or so of watching the unhelpful card soldiers.

The Queen cleared her throat. "Oh sorry, did I say ask? I meant find, go find Alice."

_**A few moments later…**_

After Donald and Goofy managed to coax Sora out of his hysteria, they again ventured off into the lotus forest. This, however, was not a good idea. Because upon entering the room, a red flower opened up and shot a huge boulder across the room. Sora probably would have died of a heart attack if that wouldn't have been anti-climactic and painfully ironic. The cat just shrugged and grinned slyly.

"Where is Alice!?" Sora demanded from his spot on the ground clutching his chest.

"Hmmmm…where indeed? I haven't seen Alice but I have seen the shadows!"

Donald, who had predicted Goofy's predictable actions and had a spray bottle already pointed at the angry dog/mans head, put his other feathered wing/hand to his head and sighed deeply. "Okay, and just WHERE did these alleged shadows go?"

The cat shrugged again. "Who knows? Up, down, left, right, here, there, back again, far, near, North Pole, Rome, this video game, a different video game, or maybe she went back to her original movie where she belongs!" The cat completed grinning more than ever.

"Wait, are we talking about Alice or the shadows now."

The cat considered this for a moment, still grinning, before disregarding it completely and saying, "Everything is all mixed up because of the shadows! Maybe you'll find something in the upside down room!"

"What does that even _mean_?!" Shouted Sora, who was looking utterly confused and distraught.

"Who knows? The shadows, the girl, the cat, all lie in darkness." And with that, he pulled another one of those vanishing acts he was oh-so famous for.

"So Sora? What should we do?"

"What should we do?! I'll tell you what we should do! We should wander aimlessly around this stupid forest until we end up like those kids from The Blair Witch Project!" Sora said throwing his hands up in the air dramatically and storming off in a random direction.

"He's loosing it, isn't he?"

"Naw Donald, he's just adjustin'! All this world savin' is hard work! He'll get better at it soon, A'hyuck!"

Donald sighed. "I hope you're right Goofy. I hope you're right."

So on they went, doing a lot of extremely uninteresting things along the way, like lighting random candles under the instruction of the Cheshire Cat. Again, like a good little moron, Sora blindly followed these orders. Although not all is lost, for while Sora ran his little errands, he forgot all about his earlier rage. Also, he found a dollar on the ground, and that's always nice.

They went on like this for a good hour, finding all kinds of randomly placed items and secret passageways. Eventually they stumbled upon a rather strange looking tea party. They soon found out that this was, indeed, an un-birthday party, something Sora was very happy about. Soon it was time to go, and the trio bid farewell to the essentially pointless detour and paragraph.

So after countless detours, distractions, and overall annoying things, Sora and company made their way back to the bizarre room. When they entered they saw the Cheshire Cat sitting with his big grin™ up on the table.

"Come up here and get a better view!" He shouted.

"No, _you_ come down _here_." Sora said slightly annoyed, finally standing up for himself for once.

The cat ignored him completely and just stared at him, to which Sora responded to by going up there anyway with that outrageously high yet horrendously perverted looking high jump of his. Sora just can't resist doing what other adults/talking animals tell him to do. Tsk-tsk Sora, so easily swayed by _peer pressure._

"Okay we're here, now what?"

"Be ready to fight to the death!" The cat exclaimed grinning as a giant heartless dropped from the sky. For inadequately explained reasons, the two bottles of unmarked liquid turned into stickers again. Also the whole table disappeared into a sticker too. Oh well.

Also, the Cheshire Cat left again.

"AAAAAUGH" screamed the trio, running away.

"WAIT!" Sora said stopping. "SHOULDN'T WE BE, LIKE, DOING SOMETHING?"

"Like WHAT?!" Donald shrieked. "That thing is HUGE!"

"Yeah but I have the Keyblade! And Donald you have FIRE MAGIC! And Goofy, you have….that…tiny shield…" He said, his initial excitement dieing towards the end. Goofy frowned, but Donald was still excited.

"You're right! FIRE!" He said, causing a ball of fire to blast from his staff. This barely hurt the heartless. He cast another, and the heartless' weapon burst into flames.

"…Sora, I hate you." Donald said in a calm matter-of-fact voice.

"Yeah, I do too." He sighed. They all summoned up their courage and rushed into battle with the fire wielding heartless.

_**Some time later…**_

"RAWR!" Sora shouted dealing the final and dramatic blow to the heartless as it's pretty pink heart of pink prettiness and **NOT** blood floated up into the sky. The trio let out a sigh of relief. "We did it!" Sora cheered.

They danced a little.

"Oh for gods sake-- SHUT _UP_!" Commanded the angry doorknob.

"Oops…"

"All that racket!" He yawned. "How's a doorknob to get any sleep?" He yawned again, quite loudly this time. The trio all gathered to watch his large yawn when his yawn started to glow. Suddenly, the keyblade leapt up and fired a death beam straight into the doorknobs mouth, effectively killing him. Or at least that is what seemed happened, when in reality, the doorknob was the location of the Wonderland keyhole, which had just been locked by the Keyblade.

"What in the name of Walter was that all about?"

"Well gee, it sounded like somthin' went 'click'!" Observed Goofy.

Sora gave a loud exasperated sigh. "It was probably just more random Wonderland crap. This whole place is just one big acid trip."

The doorknob, who had fallen back asleep, then spit out a Lego™ block.

"Hmm, that gummi block sure ain't like the others, no sir." Goofy commented.

"Alright then, I'll hang onto it." Donald said picking it up.

"Eeeew, Don't touch it, it came out of the doorknobs mouth."

"Oh, be quiet Sora."

"Splendid! You're quite the heroes!" The Cheshire Cat said cheerfully, popping back up on the de-stickerifyed table. "But if you're looking for Alice, she's not here. She's gone, off with the shadows into the darkness!" The cat said, vanishing again. Goofy made some growling noises but kept quiet.

"No…" Sora muttered downcast.

"Sora you barely _knew_ her. Besides, I'm sure she'll pop up eventually."

"We'll have to go to a save point to get back to our ship." Said Goofy, breaking the fourth wall in-game. No, they really said that in the game.

"Well then, I guess it's time to continue our adventure!" Shouted Donald cheerfully while walking on their way to the Lego™ ship.

"Other places aren't all like this place, are they?" Sora asked cautiously.

"Oh no Sora, They're worse. Much much worse. We haven't even been to Deep Jungle yet!"

"Don't forget Monstro!"

"…So what you're saying, every world sucks." Sora said sadly.

"Oh no Sora! The Olympus Coliseum isn't that bad, and Atlantica is just a few worlds away, and it's downright _fun_ there!"

Sora smiled a little. "Well, alright then."

"So Sora, what'd ya learn today?" Goofy said, cheerfully changing the subject.

"Never ever ever do drugs ever or I'll end up here again." He said in an even voice with a small smile.

"Ha ha…that'll do Sora, That'll do." Goofy said smiling, patting Sora on the head.

"…Please don't ever do that again."

Kingdom Hearts, Only Not

((A/N: Hey everyone. Sorry for the super duper late update, SO much been going on the past few months, and really, I basically did this chapter in this last month. Just been preoccupied with sicknesses, holidays, school plays, writers block, MIDTERMS, and just school work in general. Also, I'm lazy. Get used to it. My chapters are frequently very late, which is why I like to make them nice and long. Now, I finally got a Beta, but since this chapter was SO late, I just spell checked it and posted it. So this is the Un-beta-ed version, meaning there will probably be plenty of little mistakes, but they will be fixed very soon. Also, does anyone remember if there was another cutscene after wonderland? You know, when Alice is with Maleficent and Hook is like "He found a keyhole" ? or is that sometime later…if you know tell me and I'll add it in. Also there are two references to a certain song by Jefferson Airplane in here, twice. One is the chapter title…if anyone can guess what it is, they get an iCookie. So I hope you enjoyed it, yadda yadda, standard begs for review apply, you get the point.))


	5. The Kid Must Die

When we last left our heroes, they were repressing the memory of Wonderland, while making their way back to the Lego™ ship. Sora, ever optimistic, was convinced that not only would the next world they saw be better, but he would finally find his dearest friends. He was just barely half right.

That being said, The writer feels now would be a good time to inform her dearest readers that, as you should all know, Hercules was a Disney movie based on ancient Greek and Roman culture. As such, The movie should hold a lot of interesting fun-facts about Mythology. Unfortunately, this is not the case. See, when they were making the movie, Disney left out some minor details. These include but are not limited to Zeus's frequent cheating on his sister-wife, the fact that Hercules was one of thousands of Zeus's illegitimate children born from mortal woman, and that these children are all part god like him, and thus, he's really not _that_ special.

…But shhh! Don't tell anyone!

Kingdome Hearts, Only Not

**Chapter Five: The Kid Must Die**

"This place looks _great_!" Sora said cheerfully. Although it was somewhat obvious that this world wasn't really _that _great. See kids? This is what we call _denial_.

"Uh, yeah." Donald agreed half-heartedly.

"Sure is sandy!" Goofy added optimistically.

"Reminds me of home! Riku and Kairi will _definitely_ be here!"

"Well, don't get you're hopes up just yet, we still need to search around this world."

"Well where does that door lead?" Sora asked pointing to the door behind them.

"Um…nowhere I guess." Said Donald, who was oblivious to the fact that in a few years once Kingdom Hearts II came out, it would lead to the Underworld. But for right now, Olympus Coliseum would remain painfully small.

"Well then I guess we should go that way." Goofy said pointing to the opposite side of the large court yard to the entrance of a large coliseum type building.

"…Why are there two statues of men in skirts?" Sora asked slowly.

"Well Sora, according to this world, Greek Soldiers wore those."

"Yeah, but aren't most Greek sculptures of people who are naked?" Donald and Goofy gasped at him as though he had just said something extremely blasphemous. "…What?"

"Sora! This is Disney! How dare you say such things?!" Donald scolded. "Children play this game!"

"And because of that it can't be historically accurate?"

"Not if you don't want you're butt to get sued for faulty game rating it can't!"

"…Right, anyway." Sora said, disregarding this and opening the doors to the huge coliseum, only to find himself in a small Lobby. Said Lobby had no chairs, maps, head counter, or customer service desk, so it was really more of a mini entrance hall than a Lobby, but let's just ignore that now, shall we?

Upon entering the small room the trio took a good look around. The room was fairly normal; four walls, some fairly worn looking fancy Greek architecture, a couple of lamps, a random pedestal/plot-device, and a very short goat-man.

…Okay so it was pretty much the very antithesis of normal, but who's counting, eh?

Sora looked at the strange goat-man in a confused manner. However, Sora didn't seem very concerned about the mans goat-ness, being more confused as to the 'when and where' of the situation rather than the 'WHAT THE CRAP _ARE_ YOU?!' of it. He was however fairly offset by the thing he was going to now attempt to communicate with. Which is why he only managed a small, "Umm…"

"Good timin'," The satyr said cutting him off. "Gimmie a hand will ya'? Move that pedestal over thea fer me? I gotta spruce this place up fer the GAAAAmesss." He said, putting a lot of emphasis on the word 'Games', ether as a pitiful form of foreshadowing, or to make his stereotypically Brooklyn accent more prominent. Or maybe he just felt like being annoying.

So Sora, being an obedient young man who listens to adults and animals alike, ventured off to push the pedestal. He planted his feet firmly on the ground and pushed with all his might. Unfortunately, all his might wasn't quite mighty enough! He sighed and wiped the sweat from his forehead, leaning on the pedestal for support. The pedestal remained still. Sora sighed and glared at his Disney companions.

"Guys, aren't you going to help me?"

"Nope." Donald said flatly, flipping through a magazine. It was the kind you typically find in Lobbies, even though the Lobby they were in wasn't very lobby-ish.

Sora seemed somewhat miffed and continued his glare. "And why not?!"

"B'cause, we can only do that later when it's symbolic and has the most plot significance." Said Goofy in an apologetic manner.

Sora rolled his eyes and walked over to the mysterious goat-man.

"It's way to heavy!" He whined.

"What?! Too heavy?! Since when have you been such a little…" The goat-man looked over our Sora and gasped in surprise. "Oh! Wrong guy! What're you doin' here?" The little goat-guy jumped off the second pedestal he was standing on and walked over to the group, managing to be rather intimidating despite the fact that he was practically a member of the Lollipop Guild. "This here's the world famous Coliseum! _Heroes only_!" He said walking up to Donald, who backed away from the scary little satyr. "An' I got my hands full preparin' fer the GAAAAmesss! So, run along pip-squeaks!"

Sora looked down at the little goat-man in what he believed was _his_ intimidating face. However, all it really was, was him pursing his lips into a pouty sourpuss face that made him look like a five-year-old girl. The goat-man sighed.

"Look, it's like this…" He said with his hands on his hips in a less offensive tone. "Heroes a' comin' from all ovah! To fight ferocious monstas right here in the Coliseum!" He said walking about and waving his arms around extravagantly.

Donald crossed his arms. "You've got heroes standing right in front of you!"

Sora blinked in a confused manner. "Yeah but, even if we weren't, by what you say heroes aren't the only ones aloud, because monsters are coming too! Also, you apparently let members of the audience in here. How do you know we're not just here to watch a fight or something? What you're staying is totally contradictory and-"

"Yeah!" Goofy interjected putting his hands on Sora's shoulders and completely ignoring what he said. "Sora's a real hero chosen by the keyblade!"

"But that has nothing to do with-"

"And were heroes too!" Donald proclaimed jabbing his thumb at his chest proudly.

"Is anyone listening to what I-"

"Hero!? That _runt_?!" The satyr began laughing hysterically. Why he was laughing at the thought of a young and healthy fourteen year old being a hero and not the Duck and Dog-man that were first drawn some time in the early nineteen thirty's was a question that shall hence forth go unanswered. Sora scowled at this very insulting comment, and forgot all about the precious logic he was previously fighting to voice.

"You're just call _me_ a runt, you Narnia reject!? Besides, I've fought plenty of monsters!"

The goat-man smirked. "Hey! If you can't even move this-!" He said starting to push the pedestal. "Mere pedestal…you can't call yer self…A HERO! UGH!" The little goat thing panted heavily after falling on the floor and coughing a lot. There was a brief moment in which the trio thought some CPR would be necessary, but fortunately, this was not so.

"Okay, so it takes more then brawn! Well…well let's see what you can do!"

Sora smirked in an accomplished manner, but his face fell when he remembered about why he was there in the first place "Wait, what?! No! We were just asking for directions So I could find Riku and Kai-!"

"We're ready for anything!" Donald proclaimed pulling Sora along to where the goat man was leading them.

"What the heck just happened!? What about Riku an-""

"Don't worry about it, they're dead." Donald said quickly in an attempt to shut up the Sora he was dragging along, Goofy trailing behind at a steady pace from behind.

_**A few minutes and five feet later…**_

"Okay kid, this here trial is though! You think you got what it takes?" Phil said in a serious tone.

"Yeah, I can do it!" Sora said, getting all pumped up and forgetting all about his actual reason for being there. I mean, if Sora's going to go around getting distracted from his search and fritter away his precious time with Disney characters, then maybe he shouldn't be wondering why Riku is angry at him for being neglectful. Even if Riku is a big Drama Queen who thinks he can go about doing whatever he wants just because he's angsty and Bishōnen-ish.

"A' you sure? It's tough, you might not make it through."

"I can handle anything you can throw at me!"

"Alright, you ready fer this?"

"Yes!" Sora whined, becoming impatient.

"Alright…" Phil said opening the doors to the main coliseum. The trio of heroes walked out into the blazing sun and gazed upon their challenge, all with a very dramatic air about them.

"…Um, what…"

"You have'ta break all the barrels within the time limit."

Sora was silent for a moment, before narrowing his eyes at the satyr. "Is this just another way of insulting me?"

Phil looked surprised, then offended himself. "What'eh you talkin' about? This's part ah' the Coliseum's most serious trainin' program!"

"_This_?! This is pathetic!" He complained, waving his arms around in an annoyed manner.

After a few minutes of convincing, Sora finally agreed to the little goat-mans test. He went off into the battle area and the timer went off. In a glorious display of valor, skill, and strength, he viciously beat every last barrel. Phil was so impressed by this, he allowed Sora to partake in an even _harder _test! One with _more_ barrels and **less** time! In another vicious massacre of defenseless barrels becoming victims to senseless violence, Sora once again proved himself of absolutely nothing.

After the trio made their way back to the not-lobby, Phil turned to Sora and the group. "Ya'know, you ain't bad, kid!"

Sora stared at him with a bored and very slightly annoyed look. "Well, even though I didn't actually _do _anything," He quickly brightened up and smiled after saying this, putting his hands behind his head in a care-free manner. "Looks like I'm headed for the games!"

"Afraid not."

Sora's jaw dropped and he jumped back in surprise, which was really kind of lame because who didn't see that coming? "What?! Why not!?"

"Two words! You guys ain't heroes!"

"Are you kidding me!? If you want me to prove I'm a hero then set me up against a tougher training course and I'll prove it! You're being completely unfair!" Sora yelled in an outrage. "And that was four words!"

"Hey, look kid, if ya wanna prove yer a hero, hows about you start by masterin' this spell." The, as if by magic, Sora learned Thunder.

…no pun intended.

_**Outside…**_

"I can't believe this!" Sora fumed. "Incompetent goat-man telling me I'm not a hero! Well fine! Riku and Kairi aren't in this annoyingly tiny world, then we're leaving!"

"Yeah!" Donald agreed, equally angry. "And the King isn't here ether!"

Sora stopped dead. "…O-oh yeah, him too. Well, lets get out of here!"

The trio then stormed off to the world exit to find their ship, with the exception of Goofy who really didn't care very much about any of this. Secretly, Goofy was happy they wouldn't have to be fighting. But had he told that to Sora and Donald they would exclude them and, well, Goofy only wanted to fit in.

"Hmmm…a rather, stubborn old goat, isn't he?" Commented a mysterious and scary looking person from behind.

Donald turned around and quacked angrily. "Who are yo-"

"Oh my god, you're _hair is on fire_!" Sora shouted in a panic, pointing the strangers head.

"Heh, yeah yeah, calm down there little shorty." He said dismissively. "Wait wait, let me guess, you want to get into the games, right?" He said putting one of his hands on Sora's shoulder.

"Actually, I just wanted to find my friends, Riku and Ka-"

"Well, then, hey, get a load of this." He said, ignoring whatever it was Sora said. In a puff of smoke, a small piece of paper appeared in his other hand, which he handed to Sora. Sora, who should have been alarmed that a very tall blue man with flaming hair and the power to poof up pieces of paper was touching him, looked curiously from the small paper to the man.

"A pass?"

"No, a release form."

Sora blinked. "What?"

"Yeah, you know, so we're not liable for any injuries you may receive in the games."

"…Um, okay?" Sora said, carefully reading the small paper for loop holes and faults. "I'm not going to end up selling my soul for this, am I?"

"No no, it's just a release form. But if you don't want you're soul sold, don't sign anything else I give you." The man thought this over for a minute. "Uhh, you know what, forget I said anything."

Sora shrugged and signed the paper, smiling cheerfully the whole time. His smile dropped when he looked over to a somewhat annoyed Donald. "What?"

The Duck crossed his arms and went on tapping his foot in an annoyed manner. "You're an idiot."

"What I do now?"

"Ahem." Coughed the blue man. In another puff of smoke, the release form was gone and another piece of paper was in it's place. He handed it to Sora and started walking off. "Well, good luck."

Sora stood there looking between where the man had left and the pass. "Wow."

"Sora, you idiot! You don't just sign anything people tell you to!"

Sora looked at the Duck oddly. "What are you talking about? We got a pass to the games!"

"Yeah, this time, but who know what could have happened instead!"

"Donald, so far I've listened to every adult I've come across, and so far things always get better when I do!"

"…That's the worst logic I've ever heard."

"…Who cares, let's just go." Sora said flatly with a shrug, turning around to go back into the Lobby.

_**A few moments later…**_

Sora walked in and up to Phil, flashing the little Goat-man his new pass. Phil gasped.

"How'd ya get _this_?"

"Can we enter the game now?!" Sora said excitedly, bouncing and completely ignoring what the little goat man said.

Phil sighed. "Yeah, sure. I'll start ya off in the preliminaries. But be careful, some real weirdos sign up fer the GAAAAmesss."

"Wait a minute!" Donald squawked. "After all that stuff about not being a hero and that stupid trial, you're going to let us in because of some pass we got from an unnamed source?! Just like _that_?!"

"…Yeah." Phil said flatly.

"But, wait, you just said a lot of weirdos sign up for the games! You didn't stop them or put _them_ through all this crap?! you just let them right in?!" Sora added hotly.

"They had passes too." He said with a shrug.

Donald and Sora both gaped in flabbergasted annoyance. Sora seemed like he was about to say something, but stopped, becoming fed up with the little goat-man, and just put up his hands in a dismissive gesture and walked away.

_**A few feet away…**_

Sora and company walked out onto the sandy and hot battle arena, the sun blazing down from above, once again with a very dramatic air about them. So dramatic in fact, that one could imagine the entire sequence in slow-mo. However, to do that, one would have to imagine them walking, not running, and since Sora's walk makes him look like he has a permanent wedgie, all dramatic air would be lost. But then again, wedgie or not, how dramatic can you really be with Donald and Goofy following you around? Not very my friend, not very at _all_.

In any case, ignoring the fact that the paragraph prior to this one was completely pointless, the trio prepared themselves for their first match. They wondered what their first enemy would look like. You could imagine their surprise when a set of heartless interrupted their match.

"Heartless! Wait, pause the match! Those things are in the way" Sora shouted pointing to the little creatures.

Phil looked very confused for a minute. "What's the mattah wit you kid, a' course they're in yer way, they're yer opponents!" He put his hands on his hips and smirked. "Givin' up already, kid?"

"I- It- But-What-" Sora stuttered in a shocked and confused manner. "How did they get in here?!"

"They had a pass…" Phil said as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sora looked back at the heartless, who were all holding a tiny piece of paper, held out for him to see. "You're _kidding_." He said disbelievingly.

Despite this little upset, the match continued, and each heartless was defeated.

"You guys ain't heroes yet, but ya sure ain't doin' bad kid. Lucky ya came to me fer coaching."

"Coaching!? All you did was put us through some pointless trials and tell us we all sucked!" Donald shouted angrily. "Besides, how could you let a bunch of evil beings of darkness right into the games, but you wouldn't let us in because we weren't heroes!?"

Phil sighed heavily. "Because they had a _**pass**_! What part of that do you not get?!"

"Oh yes! The amazing logic bending powers of the all mighty _**pass**_! _Passes solve all problems_! HOW COULD I HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT!?" The duck screeched sarcastically, shaking with anger.

"Gee Donald, are you feelin' alright?" Goofy asked in a worried tone.

The duck let out another loud squawk, throwing his arms up in frustration, and walking off to go try and calm down.

"…Sora, aren't you worried 'bout Donald?"

Sora sighed. "He'll be fine."

It was then that a strange man with spiky blond hair walked by. Sora stared at him as he did so, and the man stared at him. One can assume neither of their mothers told them it was rude to stare.

After the strange man was out of earshot, Phil turned to Sora. "Somethin' tells me he'll be a hard one to beat."

"Yeah, yeah, almost as hard as those barrels." Sora said dismissively.

**I have a page break pass**

Once Donald and Sora returned in a more calm state, the matches continued! As expected, more and more heartless (with passes) were their opponents. And oh the variety they saw! Shadows and soldiers and those annoying little spell casting kill-'em-in-one-hit-but-I-_just-can't-REACH-'EM_'s, and even a large body or two! T'was a fun time for all! Two matches later, and Phil thought it a good time to comment on 'Him.' Sora, wondering who this 'Him' was, asked. It turned out, that Phil was just making an annoyingly trying to be subtle but not really introduction for Hercules, who wasn't even there yet. I mean, it _was his_ movie. He could at least show up for more than one eighth of the level. Jeez.

But, as fun as the little distraction was, the tournament went on without our zero to hero gladiator. Apparently he was off visiting his father who Disney says _doesn't_ sleep around behind his wife's back and has thousands of illegitimate children. So the tournament, and more heartless fought hard against Sora and his companions. Sora and said companions won every match. After winning their fourth match they took part in some gloating, jumping about and laughing. They did this after every match, of course, however during this particular gloating session, hidden in the shadows, a sinister conversation took place…

"See that little punk hopping up and down?" Said the blue god of the underworld, pointing towards said punk, er, I mean, Sora. "He's you're next opponent. Don't

blow it, just take 'em out, kay?"

Leaning against the wall was the blond spiky haired individual from earlier, also known as Final Fantasy Seven's main protagonist, Cloud. "…The mighty god of the underworld is afraid of some kid? I'm sorry, but my contract says-"

"I know what your contract says!" Shouted Hades, suffering a massive mood swing that sent him from calm to furious. "I _wrote_ the contract! I know it says 'You only have to kill Hercules,' but you have to go through that kid to get to him!"

"…Yeah but do I have to _kill_ him? Can't I just, you know, knock him out? I'll still win you know."

"No! The kid must die!"

Cloud cringed. "…Isn't that a book?" A god awful book, the writer might add.

The god of the Underworld went from angry to calm and semi-uninterested. "Huh?"

"…Nevermind.

The blond man took his weight off the wall and stood up straight. "And for that matter, why do I have to kill Hercules in the games? Can't I just, you know, wait till he's sleeping or something? He's not even here right now. He's off visiting his father or something."

Hades narrowed his eyes. "You don't know that…" He said in a suspicious voice.

"Yes I do actually. That Phil guy said it. Just now as a matter of fact, I _was_ standing right there after all."

"Look just do your job. Hey, it's like that old goat says, rule number 11: Let loose and have fun with it! I mean, a casualty or two along the way is no big deal."

Cloud, having nothing to say in response to this statement, silently begins walking away.

"Geez, stiffer than the stiffs back home." The god of the underworld gave a menacing chuckle. "Oh well, suckers like him are hard to come by." from behind him, the sound of a growling dog could be heard.

"You do realize I can hear you." Said Cloud from a few feet away.

"…What?"

"I'm right here, I can hear everything you're saying."

"Uh, oh, I wasn't talking about you."

"…I'm the only one here."

"No, no, I was on the phone."

"…You don't have a phone."

"It's a Bluetooth." He said simply pointing to his ear.

Cloud gave an exasperated sigh. "_Fine._ Then what's that growling noise coming from the ominously shadowy area behind you?"

"…Oh, you know, just some lost mortal souls bound to this world by despair or something."

Cloud, deciding he really didn't care, left.

_**Elsewhere…**_

After the trio emerged triumphant from all their matches, they did another celebratory happy dance. Once this display of stupidity and uncoordination was complete, they prepared themselves for their next match. That's when Cloud revealed himself as their opponent.

"Hey, you're that rude guy who was staring at us before." Sora said cheerfully, oblivious to the fact that what he said was also rude.

Cloud looked a bit taken back by this, but resumed focus and pulled his enormous mummy sword from literally nowhere. And so an epic battle ensued! The trio fought bravely against this new adversary, maneuvering with skill and strategy. They worked together as a team! And through the power of teamwork, they actually had a chance of beating this new foe.

Only not, Because Final Fantasy totally p0wnz Disney and their annoying morals with pure violence every time.

Suddenly, the giant, three-headed dog Cerberus burst into the coliseum, even though not one of those doors were big enough for him to fit through. Cloud jumped away and fell to the ground, dropping his sword in the process. Sora shrieked like a girl. Soon the dog came to approach Sora, who stood his ground bravely. However, he also did it stupidly, because when facing a giant three headed dog, one would typically want to have a weapon, and yet, the keyblade was nowhere to be found. Well the dog lunged at the oblivious and unarmed Sora. However, at the very last minute, Hercules came from literally nowhere (the same literally nowhere where Cloud keeps his giant sword), and single handedly held off the dog.

"Herc!" Shouted Phil, who was standing around doing nothing.

"Phil! Get them out of here!" Said Hercules, temporarily picking up on Phil's ridiculously over-exaggerated Brooklyn accent. Phil, in turn, turned around and ran for his life, leaving Sora and Co. to fend for themselves. After a moment of standing around like an idiot (_still_ not summoning his handy-dandy keyblade) They too ran away like scared goats.

_**Back in the Lobby…**_

"Okay…" Sora said, slumping against a wall and trying to catch his breath, "_What_ just happened?"

"Well, that was Cerberus, the guardian of the Underworld."

"Okay, then what was he doing _here_?" Donald asked, annoyance apparent in his quacky voice. However he was ignored, because I guess nobody cared how or why a giant three headed dog who was supposed to be guarding the underworld attacked them in the Coliseum completely unprovoked.

"Well, Herc should be able to handle em'." He began optimistically before drastically changing his outlook and going on to say, "Then again, maybe not. This doesn't look good…"

Sora, being the heroic/idiotic type, began walking into the Coliseum.

"'Ey kid! You ain't thinking' ah goin' in there, are ya? This ain't some match, this is fer real!"

Sora raised an eyebrow at this. "What are you talking about, when we were in some match we _still _almost got killed!"

"Yeah, but, the release form only counted fer anything' that happens to ya in the GAAAAmesss!"

"Wait, how did you know that?"

"That's what the passes a' for. Ya can't get a pass without signin' a release form."

"So…SO THE WHOLE THING WITH THE STUPID PASSES-?!"

"-Was all a matter a' legal liability, at's right, kid. Can't letcha in unless yer a hero or ya got a pass, or more simply, unless you signed a release form, or yer so good ya don't need one."

Sora, as well as Donald, were once again, completely and annoyedly flabbergasted. "I- but- we- Then he- I- UGH! We don't have time for this! Pass or no pass I'm going in there! You can decided if I'm hero material or not!"

Phil looked at Sora's group, mismatched but brave, willing to fight for what they believed in. Willing to fight as a team. He saw them, the determination on their faces, and thought to himself: _…Well, he can't press charges if he's dead, so…_ "Good luck, kid."

_**Back with Fluffy…**_

Hercules was pushed into a corner, with and unconscious Cloud slung over his shoulder. At this, FFVII fans chucked there controllers into their TV's and had a temper-tantrum at how Disney girl-ifyed Cloud. The situation was looking bad, which is when Sora and Co. arrived on the scene. The dog looked away for a moment, which was enough time for Hercules to make his getaway. From the corner of the stadium, Phil shouted some useless advice that would kick off another epic boss battle.

"Kid! I got two words of advice fer ya: ATTACK!"

So they battled. Cerberus' three heads took turns biting at Sora, only stopping to throw up darkness that blasted from the ground in energy beams no matter where he went. The battle was altogether, not that hard, but very annoying. After awhile, (and the use of a lot of potions) the trio defeated the giant dog, who fell down in a heap onto the arena floor.

_**Back in the Lobby once more…**_

"Thus," Began Phil, or really, I should say continued, seeing as how thus typically isn't a word one places at the beginning of a sentence. Reading off a large, scroll like piece of paper, Hercules leaning against a wall with his arms crossed, in a heroic manner… although I'm not quite sure how that works. "I hereby dub thee junior heroes, and infer on you full rights and privileges to participate in the GAAAAmesss. Further-" Phil paused momentarily, perhaps getting stuck on a word, or perhaps this was due to an awkward lag in the cutscene.

"Hey wait a minute!" Donald interjected in a delayed reaction, "What do you mean _junior_ heroes?!"

"You rookies still don't know what it means to be _true_ heroes!" He said putting his hands on his hips.

Sora rolled his eyes. "Oh let me guess. It's something stupid and clichéd like _friendship _or _honesty_." He said, making a mocking voice on the emphasized words.

Goofy looked thoughtful, ignoring Sora. "Well, uh, what does it take?"

"You guys will just have to figure that out for yourselves, just the way that I did." He said giving a heroic smile.

Sora, loosing all traces of his moody teenage attitude, grinned stupidly, seeming completely satisfied by this. "Gee! Thanks G.I.Justinian!"

"And remember, stay in school." He said giving a thumbs up.

"Um, alright!" Said Sora, slightly less enthusiastic, but still happy. "But, it's _no problem_! We'll start by proving ourselves in the games!" He said, looking dead serious and determined, in a voice much more dramatic than necessary. But then again, Sora's voice was a voice that couldn't be taken seriously by anybody. Sora was still working on his angry face, after all. His angry voice was far from perfected.

"There ain't gonna be no GAAAAmesss 'till we clean up the stadium." He paused. "And haul away the body of that giant three headed dog that's too big to fit through any of the doors…"

"Okay! We'll be back." Sora said with a shrug, completely discarding all determination and seriousness, and turning with Donald and Goofy towards the exit.

"And remember, stay in school!" Hercules said heroically once again.

Sora turned around and nodded. "O-okay…" he turned back and faced forward, sharing a confused look with Donald who shrugged.

"Ya already said that, Herc."

"Oh, Uh, Say no to drugs!" The trio slowed down a little, throwing some freaked out glances over their shoulders, before speeding up and walking out the door. "And don't forget to brush your teeth!"

"Herc, you can _stop _now." Phil said in an annoyed tone.

"Oh sorry."

The satyr stroked his beard thoughtfully. "I still can't believe that squirt beat Cerberus…"

"Well, just between us…" Hercules said, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I had already worn Cerberus down by the time the little guy jumped in…oh, and that FFVII guy helped too."

"Heh, my lips are se- Wait a minute! Ya mean he didn't really beat Cerberus!?"

"…Well he helped a lot, but, I did most of the work."

"An' ya let me make him a junior hero?!"

"…Well, I'm sure he'll earn the title by the time he gets back." He said, heroically once again.

"No he won't!" Phil shouted, killing the heroic moment. "Did you see how scrawny he was?!"

"…Well, he still signed the release form."

"…Oh, alright then." The goat-man said relived, going back to whatever it was he was doing before all this craziness happened.

_**Outside…**_

On their way to the world exit, Sora and Co noticed Cloud sitting alone just outside the Coliseum doors. Sora, being oh-so friendly, became concerned and went to go talk to him. Donald tried to remind Sora that this said person had tried to kill them, but Sora was just too goodhearted (and stupid) to listen (or care).

"Hey, are you alright?"

Cloud looked up. "Yeah."

"So, why'd you go along with him anyway?"

He looked down. "I'm looking for someone, Hades promised to he- hay wait a minute, how did you even know about that?"

Sora shrugged. "Got me. It was never directly stated to me in the game. Guess someone must have explained it to me off-screen." He said with a dopy smile.

"…Well, anyway, I tried to exploit the power of darkness, but it backfired." He stood up, looking towards the sky for dramatic effect. "I fell into darkness, and couldn't find the light."

"Wow, that all sounds very emo." Said Sora in a genuinely sympathetic way. "I sure hope that doesn't happen to any of my friends, and that they don't try to kill me like you did. I also hope this isn't all foreshadowing pointing to the fact that that will indeed happen."

"Oh no need to worry about that Sora!" Goofy said cheerfully. "There's plenty of foreshadowing to that, but this is just a coincidence."

"Oh, thanks Goofy, that really makes me feel better." He paused, gaining a confused look. "Oh…wait…" Sora said, thinking this over a second time. Before he had time to realize what Goofy meant, Cloud cleared his throat to gain back the attention of the trio.

"Like I said, couldn't find my light." He said, looking up at the sky again for dramatic effect. Goofy, being utterly clueless, looked over in the same direction, trying to see what was so interesting.

"You'll find it." Sora said simply. At this, Cloud looked back down. "I'm searching too."

"For your light?"

Sora started nodding, but stopped abruptly. "Oh, wait no, my friends."

Cloud thought on this for a moment, before shrugging. "Okay that works too. Don't loose sight of it…uh, them." He said putting something in Sora's hand. He began walking way.

"Hey! How 'bout a re-match sometime! Fair and square, no dark powers involved!" He shouted after him.

Cloud laughed and flipped his hair, which gave the fangirls something to gawk at. "Heh. I think I'll pass."

After Sora took a minute to smile stupidly, and Cloud walked a few feet in the wrong direction, coming to the doors of the Coliseum, Sora left, and Cloud decided to climb out one of the narrow windows. The door closed slowly and dramatically behind them and suddenly the whole area became very dark. Suddenly, in the darkened arena, there was an image of Hercules with the sound of a narrator in the background.

"He's strong, he's kind, he's always there for you…and he's _handsome_ to boot. He's…perfect. Perfect!" The figure is soon reveled to be Hades. "He's perfectly in_**furiating**_! He makes me CRAZY!" Suddenly, his blue flame hair turned into fed flaming hair and he erupted like a volcano of evil. There was a loud boom accompanying this. Phil and Hercules back in the Coliseum heard this, but decided to ignore it, saying it was probably just some stray dog. That explodes.

After this small release of stress, Hades started to cool off and calm down. "Hey, what am I worried about? All the pieces are falling into place…relax. Here's what I'll do. Let Hercules train the kid! In the next games, I'll take care of em' both." He paused at this, smiling proudly at his evil plan. "Yeah, that's always the best way to go, give you're enemies time to power up, then fight them. Hahaha, brilliant!" He paused, looked over his shoulder, where one could see Maleficent standing in the shadows. "Who invited you to the party? Stay out of this. This is _my _show."

Maleficent looked completely indifferent. "Well, even though it was my idea to start this little group of ours and take over the world(s), and without my help you wouldn't even know who that kid is or want to get him out of your way and he probably would have beat you by now--Fine. Fight to your heats content."

Hades looked smug for a moment, before realizing that he had just been insulted, and glared at the wall that Maleficent just opened a dark portal on and left through.

And to think, this could have all been avoided, if Hercules just got Zeus to smite them. But then of course, that would make _sense_.

Kingdome Hearts, Only Not

((A/N: Okay, Title and joke on which it is based are from a book we had to read called _The King Must Die._ It was a historical fiction about Greece and Mythology, centered around the main character, Theseus. It was and still is the worst piece of English literature ever spawned on this blue Earth. I have some excuses as to why this chapter is late, but you really don't care now do you? We all know I'm lazy, but school work doesn't help. Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure I promised my friend Zac I'd mention him in this chapter but…I can't remember why. I was supposed to thank him…for something…oh whatever. Yay Zac. Anyway, please feel free to point out any and all spelling or grammar mistakes so I can fix them. Hope you enjoyed it. If so, reviews are much appreciated, and very motivating. So if you don't want to crush my self-esteem into little tiny bite-sized pieces, review. Even if it's short, just say something so I know you people are reading. M'kay, see you in a few months!))


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